I am seriously conflicted inside.  Yesterday in the course of a volunteer event I was paired 1:1 with a Registered Child Sex Offender.  My day long interaction was yet another lesson in letting go our all our pre-conceived thoughts and ideas of just everything.

I had volunteered to participate as a staff member on a day hike for an adult group of mentally disabled individuals.  As it turns out, on of the participants had sexually abused children in the past.  She (not he, as many of us might have concluded -yet another  preconception)  was required to have a staff member be her 1:1 for that day, which meant never being out of arms reach, ensuring that she wasn't within 15 ft of any minors, and most challenging, ensuring she didn't even look at anyone under the age of 18.   She arrived  with contract in hand.  The contract, written by her, was very specific about behaviors, expectations and consequences, up to and including going to jail.

 Here are my shattered illusions-

1.  While I believe sexual abuse of a child is one of the most horrific things an adult can do to a child, I previously concluded that any individual engaging in this behavior was an absolute monster.  What I found was an engaging, polite women facing not only mental handicaps and physical limitations, but living with this big ugly monster inside her.  She herself isn't the monster. 

2.  I've never had a first hand experience with someone who was not only accused of such an ugly crime, but also admits what she did.  I've have also never witnessed a person being so committed to meeting the terms of a contract and agreement.  This woman, under no circumstances in her mind and reduced mental facilities, was going to go back on her word written in the contract.  With all the crap, lies and  amoral behavior going on seemingly everywhere today, I've become a bit confused as to what believe and not.  My hiker taught me that contacts and commitments can be kept.  Hard for me to believe a child sex offender had to be the one to demonstrate how clearly a person can honor their own commitments.

I was very happy that at the end of the day I could complete my section of the contract with a big check mark indicating that the contract was not broken.   I'm sure our paths will cross again at future outings - I hope to volunteer at two camping trips this summer - and I'll check in with myself to see if I've grown through this experience and left my illusions somewhere else.