Ask the Geezers

Can I Be Both a Friend And Manager?

Question: As a manager, I want to be liked and appreciated. I want to be my staff's friend. But I also must have their respect. Can I have both friendship and authority at the same time? If yes, how do I do that?

Mike: If we refer back to the things that we talked about around the implied contract between the manager & employees, authority is something that someone else confers on you or delegates to you. If you want both friendship and authority, the employee who you want to be friends with had better understand and buy in to that implied contract very well.

Genuine friends support each other in different ways. I have very good friends who have been my employees. I have also had friends with whom I agreed we shouldn't be in a manager/employee relationship at any time. Having both friendship and a healthy manager/employee relationship is a thing that can be done, but you have to avoid letting friendship stand in the way of getting the job done. For example, if you need to talk to your friend about something he doesn't like to hear, ask yourself whether you can have a conversation because you are friends or your friendship keeps you from having the conversation. If the fact that you are friends makes it harder for the group and the person and you to do the job, that could be a problem. And for you as a manager, the most important thing is getting the job done well.

I have seen this concept in other contexts as well. For example, if a friend wants to borrow money from me, I know he won't ask unless he absolutely needs it and I will give it to him. If the person doesn't pay back or uses my money to do things that I don't support, I will conclude that the friendship is only worth as much as the money he borrows.

Be reminded that another side effect of this is due to a phenomenon that people tend to infer things from what they see. People could make undue association between friendship and certain business decisions. So always try to make sure business decisions are only based on business factors. Conflicts of interest must be avoided.

Finally, you need to think about whether you are confusing pure social relationship with the term friendship. A social relationship may look to some people like a special friendship, but it isn't. A casual, social relationship is healthy in a work group and makes people more at ease working together.

Sin-Yaw Many of my personal friends worked for me before and I think a few of my bosses are my personal friends too. We like each other and keep in touch long after our career paths parted.

But they are exceptions, rather than the norm. The best relationship with those who work for you is probably "close but not personal." A manager will have to make the right decisions for the company, even if they are against the wishes of the employees. A manager must choose the best for the entire group, sometimes short-changing a few individuals. Maintaining a little distance gives you the objectivity to reach optimal decisions.

You don't have a choice in this matter. A manager who cannot make the right decision loses both the friendship and the respect from his/her staff.

Amiram Many managers may tell you not to befriend your staff. Let me state this clearly: don't listen to them. You can be good friends with your staff, as long as you maintain certain guidelines, and practice good judgment. In general, the kind of friendship you can develop is the kind which will allow you to maintain respect and authority. You can go for a beer with your staff, but you probably shouldn't get drunk. You probably shouldn't get romantically involved. Nor should you get financially involved. Activities as such may interfere with your judgment when it comes to job distribution, evaluation, promotions and raises.

You can introduce yourself and your family, and I don't mean your professional career and education. I mean other things like children, hobbies, sports. You can engage in after-work activities together. It's fine to spend some of your one on one meetings talking about things that are not work-related - don't try to be all business all the time. You should talk a little, and listen a lot - remember: one mouth, two ears... Let people know that you care about them (assuming that you do. If you don't - don't pretend). The goal is to do whatever is necessary to be able to give your staff instructions, without risking that they pay less attention because they think that your friendship supersedes the job. Bottom line: draw boundaries and make sure they are clear. Practice good judgment. And yes, one more thing: it isn't easy, but it is possible!

Posted at 12:02PM Jun 29, 2007 by Wen Michelle Lei in Management Style  |  Comments[0]