Monday August 02, 2004

Missing Mom, One Year Later

One year ago today, my mom passed away after a relatively short struggle with cancer. For those who missed it the first time around, I will reprise the obituary my brother Michael wrote for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette; it's a little over the top, but he is my brother, after all, and there is doubtless a strong family resemblance:

Caryl Wilde Solof -- poet, entertainer, world traveler, adventurer, life seeker, love giver, friend maker, mom/daughter/sister/mother-in-law/grandmother extraordinaire -- passed away Saturday evening surrounded by those she loved and those who loved her. She leaves behind a family who adored her; friends in numbers too great to comprehend; memories of a life filled with overwhelming love and passion for family and friends, travel and nature, poetry and writing, songs and laughter; and a heck of a lot of Boyds Bears.

Memorial Services will be held at Lake Chautauqua in upstate New York on a date to be announced. In lieu of flowers, Caryl's request was that the contributions in her memory should be made to Family Hospice and Palliative Care (Suite 203, 250 Mt. Lebanon Blvd., Pittsburgh, PA 15234, 412-572-8820), whose help, care and support during the recent weeks were, plain and simple, a gift from God; or St. George Orthodox Cathedral (30 Anna St., Worcester, MA 01604, 508-752-9150), her son's congregation, whose love and support never faltered during tough times. Caryl's last words were "I'm still smiling!" We are too, mom...we are too.

I am not smiling as much as I used to, however. For anyone who's going through the same thing, I can only tell you that based on my experience, it's easier than you think it will be to let go (especially if the one you love is suffering) -- and harder than you think it will be in the long run, even (perhaps especially) one year later.

Last night, for whatever reason (most likely Mom at work from "the other side"), I was flipping through the July issue of Oprah Magazine, which was lying on our kitchen table, and happened upon the following observations on grief. Dr. Phil writes to a woman preparing for the loss of her mother: "So what should you expect? You should expect that this time will be painful but manageable and that however much you think you're prepared for the finality of this loss, the actual gravity of your mother's passing will probably have more of an impact than you anticipate."

That certainly jives with my experience.

And he continues: "Most important, you should know that just like the generation before you, and before them, you will get through this."

I certainly hope that is the case.

In the mean time, I still have e-mails from Mom saved in my inbox, and a book of her poetry, which she self-published last spring when she was diagnosed. My brother even taped her, talking and playing the piano, the week before she passed way. I haven't been able to bear to look at any of this, at least thus far. Maybe now, a year later, it's time to try again. A year's an awfully long time to go without hearing my mother's voice.

(2004-08-02 09:09:51.0) Permalink Comments [9]