/dev/null/kevin

Minute Maid Light Orange Juice has less than 50% of the calories of regular Minute Maid Orange Juice.  Have you ever wondered how they accomplish this amazing feat?  (ok, just play along)

I have here the super secret formula for creating Light Orange Juice Drink:

+ =

That's 42% OJ to 58% water.

But remember to charge the same price as regular orange juice.  That's the real secret.

Why am I the #1 Sun blog today?  Go read Jonathan's blog!  He made an attempt to be funny, complete with legalese and dolphins, or something.  You're putting me on his radar!

Move along.  Nothing to see here.  If you're looking for an April Fool's Day prank, try the Do It Yourself Rick Roll.

In my continuing effort to become a writer for cracked.com, I present my list of The 7 Most Annoying Kids in Science Fiction.  These are the kids thrown into an otherwise good TV show or movie just so it can appeal to a younger audience and Hasbro can sell more action figures.  Most of the kids are bad actors to begin with, but the writers usually make them out to be extra cute or precocious.  Then they are either too smart or too stupid to be realistic (sometimes both).

I'm going to eliminate all shows specifically aimed at kids.  Otherwise, the list would be endless.

Some common things that sci-fi kids do to be annoying:

• Save the day by being too smart.
• Save the day by being little.
• Save the day by being innocent.
• Save the day by pure luck.
• Save the day by reminding everyone the true meaning of Christmas.
• Be a plot point by not doing what they're told.
• Be a plot point by getting lost.
• Be a plot point by needing to be rescued.
• Be a plot point running off to save their pet.
• Yelling their pet's name a lot.
• Having their own named yelled a lot.
• Introducing teen/tween angst into the mix.
• Telling a stupid joke at the end of the show.

#7: Will Robinson - Lost in Space (original)

To be fair, I kind of liked Will, but mainly because I was a kid when I watched this show.  Also, we wouldn't have a phrase "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!" without him.  So, Will is the least annoying, and thus listed first.

Will was a little too smart for his own good, but the show was also super cheesy to begin with, so perhaps he made the show better.  The TV show quickly became all about Will, Robot, and Dr. Smith, which I'm sure annoyed the rest of the adult cast.  At least Bill Mumy grew up into pretty cool guy and did some good work on Babylon 5 (which banned kids from the cast).

I don't even remember the Will Robinson from the Lost in Space movie remake from 1998, so I guess he sucked.  Best to remember this blooper clip from the original show's 30th anniversary:

#6: All the kids from the original Star Trek

While there were no kids as part of the regular cast (thank goodness), a few episodes featured children.  All of them suffered for it.

First there was Charlie X, about an annoying boy with supernatural powers.  Then came Miri, the story about kids living all by themselves.  Finally, when the writing well went dry, there was And The Children Shall Lead, the story about children living all by themselves with supernatural powers.  They were also dressed in the best of 60s table cloths.

If kids weren't annoying enough with their talk of gr'ups, or controlling your mind with fist pumps, they were making creepy unwanted sexual advances towards you.  Who needs that?  At least Charlie was able to shut up Uhura's singing.  Bonus points for that.

#5: Ulysses and True - Earth 2

Here's a show you've probably never heard of.  It was a pretty good show on NBC in 1994, but it only lasted one season.  Colonists trying to colonize a new Earth-like planet crash land far short of their expected landing site.  They must deal with low supplies, the planet's indigenous inhabitants, kind of like Survivor.  They must also deal with the shadowy and corrupt government of old Earth, who doesn't want them leaving -- again, just like Survivor.  The show had good potential but NBC was too dumb to know what to do with it.

Being colonists, there were also kids.  Two of them, which meant double the annoyance.  Naturally, they belonged to the group's leader and to her potential love interest/antagonist.  The boy, Ulysses - aka Uly ("Yoo-lee"), was also sick and wore a full-body Forrest Gump brace.  Lots of drama around his being sick, natch.  He'd usually get lost, or kidnapped, or something.  His mom would cry "YOOOO-LEEEE!" far too often.  He also had some magical connection to the planet and the dirt people who lived there.  Yes, he saved the day a few times by being pure of heart or some such nonsense.

The girl's name was True and she was mainly annoying because she was named True.  She'd also get lost or captured and her dad would cry "TROOOOOO!" All the while Uly's mom was still crying "YOOOO-LEEE!"  Good times.  At least she didn't have any magical powers.  Oh wait, here she is saving the day:

Yes, I know having two kids here means I should call this the "8 Most Annoying Kids" but that would involve finding the BACKSPACE key, and I've got things to do.

#4: Walt - Lost

When Walt was on the show he spent most of his time chasing his dog and making mysterious things happen just using his mind.  Need a polar bear?  Just ask Walt.  Yes, just like Uly on Earth 2, Walt has some special connection to the island.  Also like Uly, his father, Michael, spent quite a bit of time yelling "WAAALT!!" and talking about "my boy!"  That is, when he's not too busy killing everyone else just to save "my son!!!"

Both Walt and Michael left the show, but recently Walt was seen in a flashback and Michael just returned.  I expect to hear cries of "I'm doing this to save my son!" very soon.  I also expect Walt to be 7 feet tall.

#3: Wesley Crusher - Star Trek: The Next Generation

Wesley Crusher, more so than any character, solidified the notion that kids and sci-fi don't mix, much like tuna fish and jelly.  He would probably be #1 on most people's list.  Wesley was Star Trek creator Gene Wesley Roddenberry's alter-ego on the show.  Wesley "saved the day" seven times, according to Wikipedia, and was often smarter than the highly trained crew of the Enterprise.  Fans grew to hate him quickly.  This video of Wesley being killed in an alternate reality became a fan favorite.  Alternate.  Why must is always be an alternate reality?

So, why isn't Wesley #1 on my list?  Two reasons.  First, the producers/writers realized that they had a problem and made some changes.  Wes eventually left the Enterprise to annoy people at Starfleet Academy, so he was absent for weeks at a time from the show.  When he did come back he was more human, making mistakes (big ones) and took a different path than the Wunderkind track he was on.  Plus, after seven years, he was just plain older and less kid-like.  He also stopped wearing the ugly rainbow tunic.  But for some people it was already too late.  They hated him no matter what, but I will cut him a little slack.

The second reason Wesley isn't #1 is that actor Wil Wheaton grew up to be a pretty cool guy.  Wil is now a big sci-fi fan himself and is fairly active in the community.  He has an insider's insight, but doesn't flaunt it.  He blogs and twitters and is fairly interesting.  I also like this story about him from IMDb: 

Still, we can't forget all of the annoying things he did to make this list and inspire the phase "Shut up, Wesley!"

#2: Anakin Skywalker - Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

Can a single kid ruin a whole movie?  With the help of Jar Jar Binks, Jake Lloyd's Anakin Skywalker (he who would become Darth Vader) ruined the movie for quite a few people.  To be fair to Episode One, it had some good things going for it (e.g. music, SFX, cool light sabre fight), but almost all of the bad things centered around Jar Jar and young Anakin.

Where to start?  Anakin hit almost all of the annoying kids bullet points.  Sure he's Darth Vader and has mad skillz with da force, but must he do everything with such a "golly, gee-wiz" attitude?  The Silver Spoons hair cut didn't do him any favors, either.  Yet there he was, saving the day, winning pod races, dodging lasers, all without trying, and all while spewing cutesy lines.  Lloyd's acting didn't help matters any, but when George Lucas gave him lines like "Are you an angel?" my stomach felt such nausea that it longed to be sliced open with a light sabre and have stuffed Luke inside.  Ok, that came out a little weirder than I intended.

Keep in mind that boy Anakin flew into space, was not shot down, landed on a hostile base, destroyed the Death Star Droid Control Ship, and re-entered the atmosphere without burning up.   All on his first try.

And what ever happened to that cute little kid?  Here he is, still as cute as ever.  And by cute I mean a scruffy mess. (from Wikipedia).

Here's a great video showing how Episode One should have ended:

#1: Boxey - Battlestar Galactica (Original)

The original Battlestar Galactica from 1978 was a campy space show riding the popularity wave created by Star Wars.  In it, main character, Apollo, adopted Boxey when Boxey's mom (and Apollo's girlfriend) was killed.  Boxey's dog, er, daggit, named Muffit was also killed.  To make Boxey feel better, he was given a robotic daggit, creatively named Muffit.  No word if he was also given a robotic mom.  If he was, Apollo kept her secret.

Muffit was played by a monkey in a costume.  He was supposed to be cute, but I just found him to be creepy, as I find all monkey-related things.  Given that Battlestar Galactica was already ripping off Star Wars, I guess the producers also wanted to rip of BJ and the Bear as well.  And why not?  They were both written by the same guy, Glen Larson.  People love monkeys!  We need a space monkey!

What makes Boxey the #1 most annoying sci-fi kid?  While #3 Wesley Crusher eventually grew into something better, and #2 Anakin Skywalker's character was necessary to the Star Wars prequels, Boxey was neither.  He was nothing more than a gimmick added to the show to appear to younger a younger audience.  All of his scenes were filler.  Even as a kid I didn't like Boxey or Muffit.  He was constantly getting lost, looking for Muffit or just having a really schmaltzy conversation with his dad, grandpa or aunt.  He and Muffit even saved the day once.  It only required sacrificing the dignity of several senior officers as they were forced to say the word mushies.

Even though Battlestar Galactica only lasted one season, we do know that Boxey did not grow up into a cool guy.  In the revival series Galactica 80 (I shudder just typing the name) Boxey turned into Captain Troy, super dork.  Apparently, he spent the 20 years between series sitting in a box (get it?) getting dumber and becoming a stiffer actor.  Yes, it could be argued that Galactica 80s own Dr. Zee could make this list, but I can't think too much about that show without getting hives.

And what of Noah Hathaway, who portrayed Boxey?  He took the anti-geek route, getting into motorcycles, welding and tattoos.  Here is a picture of a grown up Noah and his MySpace page, which features said tattoos.  At least he's not a total tool like Captain Troy.

BTW, the new Boxey from the new Battlestar Galactica did not fare too well.  After being introduced in the pilot miniseries, he was essentially cut out and eliminated.  And there was much rejoicing.

I tried to find a good video clip of Boxey in action, but he had to be annoying to the last.  Almost every clip of the original Battlestar has been purged from YouTube.  So, the best I can do is direct you to the new AOL / Hulu pages for entire episodes.  The service is free and does NOT require any registration, but you might have to sit through a commercial or two.  I also don't know how long the episodes will remain up, as I hear Hulu's content might rotate.

Gun on Ice Planet Zero - Skip to 29:45 (about 3/5th of the way) to see Boxey screw things up just by being there.  The adults have crash landed on Ice Planet Zero, only to find that Boxey (and Muffit) have stowed away on board.  Naturally, Muffit runs away into the snow and hilarity ensues.

 
For the sake of completeness, here are two more kids I considered, but rejected, because they were both realistic, necessary and added value.

Not annoying kids:

• Jake Sisco - Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
• John Connor - Terminator 2

Reddit is being populated with "cool" pictures of Barack Obama that keep getting cooler.

Cool:

Cooler:

Coolest:

Coolest-est:

Coolest-est-est:

Redundant phrases like "ATM Machine" any "PIN Number" have annoyed literalists like myself for decades now.  Most people are so oblivious to them that I can sarcastically use phrases like "automatic ATM machine" or "personal PIN number" and they won't even flinch.

When several new redundant phrases started cropping up here at Sun I wanted to name them.  Irony demanded that the term also be a redundant phrase using a three letter acronym (TLA).  After a minute of thinking I realized that this meme was so old that there must already be a term for it.

Wikipedia to the rescue!

There is a term: RAS Syndrome: Redundant Acronym Syndrome Syndrome

Also popular is PNS Syndrome, PIN Number Syndrome Syndrome (which is actually Personal Identification Number Number Syndrome Syndrome).

The Wikipedia article lists some good examples, as do fun-with-words.com. and nanday.com.

Anyway...

Here are the PNSs floating around Sun these days:

• ORI Index (Operational Risk Index)
  
• BAR Report (Baseline Analysis Report)
  
• SOA Account (Sun Online Account)
  

A while ago I noticed that a prescription drug had a demonic name. I did a little checking and found that drug and demon names are pretty much interchangeable. So I put together this little quiz. Can you tell the difference?

If the blogging software messed up the quiz, try the stand alone test.

Men don't understand women, or so my wife tells me when I'm actually listening.  Women are even harder for most geeks for grok.  So when I was going through the HTML response codes, I noted that some of them could be used by a women when a man uses a pickup line on her.

Ladies, won't it be great to get your point across easily and with no confusion?  Men are clueless and can't take a hint.  Now there won't be any more mixed signals.  Keep the guys you want and get rid of the rest.

Men, we're good with numbers, right?  We are men after all.  But women?  Do we ever know what they really want?  No means yes.  Yes means no.  A or B?  No!  It's secret option C!  WiFi encryption was easier to crack.  But we're the Japanese navy and they're the Navajos.  So, wouldn't it be great if if we could get clear and meaningful responses from them?  Why waste time with a girl who doesn't dig us when Miss Right Now could just be around the corner.

Great!  Now that we're all in agreement, I present...

Is happiness a warm puppy?  No!  It's a clove of garlic. 

I needed a good public domain image to represent love or dating (stay tuned for future post).  This is what I found when searching for "love" at public-domain-photos.com:

 That's the entire match set, by the way.  My favorite is matching the misspelling flover. 

Be careful what you first name your blog entry.  When Roller saves your entry for the first time it creates the Permalink URL from the blog title.  This URL never changes, even if you change the blog entry's title.

I can't count the number of times I've had a spelling error, or some other issue, that's preserved for all time in the Permalink.

Take this blog, for example.  It started off with a much different concept.  You'll have to examine the Permalink to see what it was.

Now if anyone diggs or slashdots this entry (no real chance of that) that's the URL people are going to see.

Paraphrased conversation:

Engineer1: We need an Apache expert to look at this.  Who can we call?

Engineer2: That would be you.

Engineer1: Damn it!

Scientists have made another obvious discovery: Kids hate clowns! [link]

Of course kids hate and fear clowns, everyone should.  At best clowns are annoying, but most clowns are scary.  Grown men and women with grotesque makeup?  What's not to fear?

And I'm not alone:

• ihateclowns.com
• This writer
• These guys
• Wikipedia
  
• And this Wikipedia user
  

The most famous clown-hating "person" is Bart Simpson.  Ironically, in looking for Bart's infamous "clown'll eat me" clip, I found the following anti-clown video from Alice Cooper.  Alice Cooper fears clowns!  Man, that alone speaks volumes!

Warning, if you don't fear clowns now, you might after watching this video!  The first 30 seconds are Bart and his clown, but the rest is an Alice Cooper video featuring his scary clowns (most from the movie IT). 

UPDATE [03 May 2008]: OMG.  If this doesn't make you hate clowns, nothing will.

As social networking sites increase in popularity, so do the number of avatars that people use to represent themselves.  Y'know, the little picture that appears next to someone's post or message.  I've noticed that there are only a finite set of avatar styles.  Using my imaginary Ph.D in Internet Psychology I have analyzed what the various avatar styles mean.

Update [02/22/2008]: Thanks to @monkchips, I must add one more: The Chin Hold (a.k.a. Chin Posin').  Coming soon, the group photo, aka, "Which one are you?" 

What Your Avatar Says About You

Avatar Style	Examples	Description	Meaning
The Portrait		Close up of the whole face, focused and nicely centered.	You are confident in your appearance and don't mind stalkers knowing what you look like.  I originally called this the "Normal" but you really don't see it as much as you would think.
The Off-Center		Similar to the the Portrait, but with the subject to the left or right.	You find the Portrait to be a little too square for your tastes (no pun intended).  You may be a geek, but you're not a nerd!
The Half-Face		Only show the left or right side of your face.  Sometimes just the top.	You consider the Portrait to be boring and you want to be edgy and cool.  You might be a little insecure, but you still want people to know it's you.
The Too-Close		Taking the Half-Face to the next level, you go for the extreme close up!  It's almost always on the eye.	Like the Half-Face, only edgier.  Only people who already know you can tell that it's you.  Why the eye?  Because it's still personal.  Also, there are less zits on your eyes.
The Distorted		Could be blurry, over-exposed or processed.	You are not only edgy and cool, but also a little disturbed or tormented!  You also know how to use photo editing software.  Or you might just be a really bad photographer.
The Obscured		You face is hidden behind some object.   Bonus for creating the Half-Face.	You are introverted, or perhaps in an Austin Powers movie.  You like to be behind the scenes and don't crave the lime light, mainly because you fear limes.
The Reflection		a.k.a. The Camera.  Taking a picture of yourself in a mirror, complete with the camera.  Sometimes a special subclass of the Obscured.	You are a photographer and want people to know it.  Apparently, you also don't know how to use a tripod or ask a friend to take your picture.  Maybe you don't have any friends.
The Far-Away		Hello!  I'm the pixel just left of center.  Bonus points if it's also blurry.	You are shy and this maintains your anonymity.  You like to keep things at a distance until you feel more comfortable.  Much like a feral cat.
The Pose		A picture taken just for your avatar.  Sometimes taken with a web cam.	You are a control freak and want everything "just so."  You probably change your avatar three times a day.
The Look-Away		Direct eye contact?  Not here.	You are aloof and care free and perhaps subservient.  Don't pick me...Please, don't pick me!!
The Mac-Book		A subclass of the Pose.  Using the Mac's built-in camera and image filters.	You just bought a Mac Book Pro.  Congratulations!
The Action Shot		A picture of yourself doing something exciting.	You want to show everyone that you're not as boring as your tweets, blogs and Facebook updates would indicate.
The Perspective		Taking a picture of yourself from a weird angle.  Usually taken with a cell phone.	You're just lazy.  You can't even be bothered to lift your hands to take the picture.
The Chin Hold (new!)		Similar to The Look-Away, but you are holding your chin.  See @chinposin	You are authoritative, smart, thoughtful, or a copycat.  Perhaps you just have a big zit on your chin.
The Companion		Yourself with your child(ren), pet, toy or perhaps security blanket.  Almost never includes the spouse.	It's your way of saying, "I'm ugly, so look at my beautiful cat."
The Kid		Just your child, or yourself as a child.	You used to be cute, but no more.  So look at me from the past, or look at my progeny.
The Cartoon		A cartoon version of yourself as the Simpsons, South Park, Second Life, Mii, WoW or the caricature artist from the mall.	You let others be creative for you and then take the credit.
The Celebrity		A picture of someone else, basically.	There is nothing interesting about me so I'll just take someone else's persona, even if they are fictional.
The Abstract		A non-human image: either a graphic or some trinket.	You don't want anyone to know anything about you.  Not that there is anything worth knowing.
The Logo		Part, or all, of a tech site's logo.	You are a high level blogger.  Please read my site and feed my ego and drive up my ad revenue.
The Default		The default avatar.	Welcome to the Internets, n00b.

Note: All of these images are real avatars from Twitter that I took from either the public feed or from people that I follow.  You guys know that this is a joke and that I love you all.  Right?  Guys?  Uh, put down that cactus!

If you're 43 years old you are too old to be a terrorist!

Or so says the US Department of Homeland Security when it unveiled its latest plans for the REAL ID.

So, while I'll still need to get a Real ID, some of my older school mates won't have to.  I guess they are all too busy downing Geritol and watching Matlock to be a threat.

Oh, perhaps someone should tell Michael Chertoff that Osama bin Laden was born on March 10, 1957.  He won't need to get a new ID.

Merry Christmas to all my readers (even the Zeppelin fans).  If you don't celebrate Christmas then Happy PersonalCelebrationEvent to you as well!  Sun goes on break starting next week, plus I'll be extending it a few days.  See you in 2008!

Here's a preview of some of my upcoming posts guaranteed to make more friends!¹

• Mother Theresa: In it for herself all along?
  
• Ghandi: The secret fight club
• The Beatles: Two down, two to go
• George Washington: The FRIST! president
• Jar Jar Binks: Why he should be inserted into Episode IV
• The DMCA: It's just not enough
  

¹ Friends: people who post comments wishing for my painful death.

It's that time of year again when everyone makes Top 10 lists for the year.  I've gone the extra step and distilled them all down to this: 

Top 10 Cliché Words Found in Cliché Year End Top 10 Lists

1. Best
2. Worst
3. Most
4. Least
5. Favorite
6. Disappointing
7. Stories
8. Reasons
   
9. Quotes
   
10. iPhone