/dev/null/kevin

In my continuing effort to become a writer for cracked.com, I present my list of The 7 Most Annoying Kids in Science Fiction.  These are the kids thrown into an otherwise good TV show or movie just so it can appeal to a younger audience and Hasbro can sell more action figures.  Most of the kids are bad actors to begin with, but the writers usually make them out to be extra cute or precocious.  Then they are either too smart or too stupid to be realistic (sometimes both).

I'm going to eliminate all shows specifically aimed at kids.  Otherwise, the list would be endless.

Some common things that sci-fi kids do to be annoying:

• Save the day by being too smart.
• Save the day by being little.
• Save the day by being innocent.
• Save the day by pure luck.
• Save the day by reminding everyone the true meaning of Christmas.
• Be a plot point by not doing what they're told.
• Be a plot point by getting lost.
• Be a plot point by needing to be rescued.
• Be a plot point running off to save their pet.
• Yelling their pet's name a lot.
• Having their own named yelled a lot.
• Introducing teen/tween angst into the mix.
• Telling a stupid joke at the end of the show.

#7: Will Robinson - Lost in Space (original)

To be fair, I kind of liked Will, but mainly because I was a kid when I watched this show.  Also, we wouldn't have a phrase "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!" without him.  So, Will is the least annoying, and thus listed first.

Will was a little too smart for his own good, but the show was also super cheesy to begin with, so perhaps he made the show better.  The TV show quickly became all about Will, Robot, and Dr. Smith, which I'm sure annoyed the rest of the adult cast.  At least Bill Mumy grew up into pretty cool guy and did some good work on Babylon 5 (which banned kids from the cast).

I don't even remember the Will Robinson from the Lost in Space movie remake from 1998, so I guess he sucked.  Best to remember this blooper clip from the original show's 30th anniversary:

#6: All the kids from the original Star Trek

While there were no kids as part of the regular cast (thank goodness), a few episodes featured children.  All of them suffered for it.

First there was Charlie X, about an annoying boy with supernatural powers.  Then came Miri, the story about kids living all by themselves.  Finally, when the writing well went dry, there was And The Children Shall Lead, the story about children living all by themselves with supernatural powers.  They were also dressed in the best of 60s table cloths.

If kids weren't annoying enough with their talk of gr'ups, or controlling your mind with fist pumps, they were making creepy unwanted sexual advances towards you.  Who needs that?  At least Charlie was able to shut up Uhura's singing.  Bonus points for that.

#5: Ulysses and True - Earth 2

Here's a show you've probably never heard of.  It was a pretty good show on NBC in 1994, but it only lasted one season.  Colonists trying to colonize a new Earth-like planet crash land far short of their expected landing site.  They must deal with low supplies, the planet's indigenous inhabitants, kind of like Survivor.  They must also deal with the shadowy and corrupt government of old Earth, who doesn't want them leaving -- again, just like Survivor.  The show had good potential but NBC was too dumb to know what to do with it.

Being colonists, there were also kids.  Two of them, which meant double the annoyance.  Naturally, they belonged to the group's leader and to her potential love interest/antagonist.  The boy, Ulysses - aka Uly ("Yoo-lee"), was also sick and wore a full-body Forrest Gump brace.  Lots of drama around his being sick, natch.  He'd usually get lost, or kidnapped, or something.  His mom would cry "YOOOO-LEEEE!" far too often.  He also had some magical connection to the planet and the dirt people who lived there.  Yes, he saved the day a few times by being pure of heart or some such nonsense.

The girl's name was True and she was mainly annoying because she was named True.  She'd also get lost or captured and her dad would cry "TROOOOOO!" All the while Uly's mom was still crying "YOOOO-LEEE!"  Good times.  At least she didn't have any magical powers.  Oh wait, here she is saving the day:

Yes, I know having two kids here means I should call this the "8 Most Annoying Kids" but that would involve finding the BACKSPACE key, and I've got things to do.

#4: Walt - Lost

When Walt was on the show he spent most of his time chasing his dog and making mysterious things happen just using his mind.  Need a polar bear?  Just ask Walt.  Yes, just like Uly on Earth 2, Walt has some special connection to the island.  Also like Uly, his father, Michael, spent quite a bit of time yelling "WAAALT!!" and talking about "my boy!"  That is, when he's not too busy killing everyone else just to save "my son!!!"

Both Walt and Michael left the show, but recently Walt was seen in a flashback and Michael just returned.  I expect to hear cries of "I'm doing this to save my son!" very soon.  I also expect Walt to be 7 feet tall.

#3: Wesley Crusher - Star Trek: The Next Generation

Wesley Crusher, more so than any character, solidified the notion that kids and sci-fi don't mix, much like tuna fish and jelly.  He would probably be #1 on most people's list.  Wesley was Star Trek creator Gene Wesley Roddenberry's alter-ego on the show.  Wesley "saved the day" seven times, according to Wikipedia, and was often smarter than the highly trained crew of the Enterprise.  Fans grew to hate him quickly.  This video of Wesley being killed in an alternate reality became a fan favorite.  Alternate.  Why must is always be an alternate reality?

So, why isn't Wesley #1 on my list?  Two reasons.  First, the producers/writers realized that they had a problem and made some changes.  Wes eventually left the Enterprise to annoy people at Starfleet Academy, so he was absent for weeks at a time from the show.  When he did come back he was more human, making mistakes (big ones) and took a different path than the Wunderkind track he was on.  Plus, after seven years, he was just plain older and less kid-like.  He also stopped wearing the ugly rainbow tunic.  But for some people it was already too late.  They hated him no matter what, but I will cut him a little slack.

The second reason Wesley isn't #1 is that actor Wil Wheaton grew up to be a pretty cool guy.  Wil is now a big sci-fi fan himself and is fairly active in the community.  He has an insider's insight, but doesn't flaunt it.  He blogs and twitters and is fairly interesting.  I also like this story about him from IMDb: 

Still, we can't forget all of the annoying things he did to make this list and inspire the phase "Shut up, Wesley!"

#2: Anakin Skywalker - Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

Can a single kid ruin a whole movie?  With the help of Jar Jar Binks, Jake Lloyd's Anakin Skywalker (he who would become Darth Vader) ruined the movie for quite a few people.  To be fair to Episode One, it had some good things going for it (e.g. music, SFX, cool light sabre fight), but almost all of the bad things centered around Jar Jar and young Anakin.

Where to start?  Anakin hit almost all of the annoying kids bullet points.  Sure he's Darth Vader and has mad skillz with da force, but must he do everything with such a "golly, gee-wiz" attitude?  The Silver Spoons hair cut didn't do him any favors, either.  Yet there he was, saving the day, winning pod races, dodging lasers, all without trying, and all while spewing cutesy lines.  Lloyd's acting didn't help matters any, but when George Lucas gave him lines like "Are you an angel?" my stomach felt such nausea that it longed to be sliced open with a light sabre and have stuffed Luke inside.  Ok, that came out a little weirder than I intended.

Keep in mind that boy Anakin flew into space, was not shot down, landed on a hostile base, destroyed the Death Star Droid Control Ship, and re-entered the atmosphere without burning up.   All on his first try.

And what ever happened to that cute little kid?  Here he is, still as cute as ever.  And by cute I mean a scruffy mess. (from Wikipedia).

Here's a great video showing how Episode One should have ended:

#1: Boxey - Battlestar Galactica (Original)

The original Battlestar Galactica from 1978 was a campy space show riding the popularity wave created by Star Wars.  In it, main character, Apollo, adopted Boxey when Boxey's mom (and Apollo's girlfriend) was killed.  Boxey's dog, er, daggit, named Muffit was also killed.  To make Boxey feel better, he was given a robotic daggit, creatively named Muffit.  No word if he was also given a robotic mom.  If he was, Apollo kept her secret.

Muffit was played by a monkey in a costume.  He was supposed to be cute, but I just found him to be creepy, as I find all monkey-related things.  Given that Battlestar Galactica was already ripping off Star Wars, I guess the producers also wanted to rip of BJ and the Bear as well.  And why not?  They were both written by the same guy, Glen Larson.  People love monkeys!  We need a space monkey!

What makes Boxey the #1 most annoying sci-fi kid?  While #3 Wesley Crusher eventually grew into something better, and #2 Anakin Skywalker's character was necessary to the Star Wars prequels, Boxey was neither.  He was nothing more than a gimmick added to the show to appear to younger a younger audience.  All of his scenes were filler.  Even as a kid I didn't like Boxey or Muffit.  He was constantly getting lost, looking for Muffit or just having a really schmaltzy conversation with his dad, grandpa or aunt.  He and Muffit even saved the day once.  It only required sacrificing the dignity of several senior officers as they were forced to say the word mushies.

Even though Battlestar Galactica only lasted one season, we do know that Boxey did not grow up into a cool guy.  In the revival series Galactica 80 (I shudder just typing the name) Boxey turned into Captain Troy, super dork.  Apparently, he spent the 20 years between series sitting in a box (get it?) getting dumber and becoming a stiffer actor.  Yes, it could be argued that Galactica 80s own Dr. Zee could make this list, but I can't think too much about that show without getting hives.

And what of Noah Hathaway, who portrayed Boxey?  He took the anti-geek route, getting into motorcycles, welding and tattoos.  Here is a picture of a grown up Noah and his MySpace page, which features said tattoos.  At least he's not a total tool like Captain Troy.

BTW, the new Boxey from the new Battlestar Galactica did not fare too well.  After being introduced in the pilot miniseries, he was essentially cut out and eliminated.  And there was much rejoicing.

I tried to find a good video clip of Boxey in action, but he had to be annoying to the last.  Almost every clip of the original Battlestar has been purged from YouTube.  So, the best I can do is direct you to the new AOL / Hulu pages for entire episodes.  The service is free and does NOT require any registration, but you might have to sit through a commercial or two.  I also don't know how long the episodes will remain up, as I hear Hulu's content might rotate.

Gun on Ice Planet Zero - Skip to 29:45 (about 3/5th of the way) to see Boxey screw things up just by being there.  The adults have crash landed on Ice Planet Zero, only to find that Boxey (and Muffit) have stowed away on board.  Naturally, Muffit runs away into the snow and hilarity ensues.

 
For the sake of completeness, here are two more kids I considered, but rejected, because they were both realistic, necessary and added value.

Not annoying kids:

• Jake Sisco - Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
• John Connor - Terminator 2