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Monday September 17, 2007

How to Improve Award Shows

Humor

I watched the Emmys last night the best way possible: with TiVo. It's very important to build up a buffer so you can fast forward through all of the boring parts, also know as "the middle third."

I have blogged about this before, but I'm going to repeat myself because (1) I watched a different awards show, and (2) they obviously didn't get the message. Also, this time I will use bullet points, maybe that will make a difference.

Ways to Shorten Awards Shows

Thank Only Two Names - You can thank two people besides God and your parents. Once you start listing a bunch of names a trap door opens and you fall into the press room.

Forbid Written Speeches - If you pull out a piece of paper a flame will shoot out of the microphone and set it on fire.

Limit the Lesser Awards - No one cares about best make up in a mini series. Just have a short parade of the winners. Add some jugglers, too. People like jugglers.

No More Old Guy Brings the Show to a Screeching Halt - If the President of the Academy want to come out and tell us why television so awesome let him do it somewhere else. Hire a bunch of homeless people and put them into a different theater. Then let Mr. Windbag give his speech to them. All homeless people have their own tuxes and dresses so don't worry about that.

Presenter Banter Humor to Time Ratio - The amount of "spontaneous" banter the presenters can perform before actually giving out an award is directly proportional to the humor in said banter. John Stewart can talk all day long, but Dane Cook has to start reading the list of nominees while he's ~~walking on stage~~ in his limo driving to the show.

Two, and Only Two, Production Numbers - What's the best way making an awards show long? Answer: Don't give away any awards. So, unless you're giving away statues during the dance number (Hmmm, note to self) you're just prolonging the agony of the viewers. I'll give you an opening number and just ONE more number. Use it well.