/dev/null/kevin

As promised, here is a list of things you just don't see anymore on TV. Sadly, this list isn't that long, which means that a lot of the same old crap is still on TV. More on that later...

• The Frozen Pose
Watch any show from the 80s and the show will end with a freeze frame of the actors while the credits rolled - usually mid-laugh. This was brilliantly parodied in Police Squad where the actors just held their pose, simulating a freeze frame.
• Shows That Start and End on Time
Once upon a time, if the TV Guide said a show was on from 8:00pm to 9:00pm that meant it would actually start at 8:00pm and end at 9:00pm. Today, shows start a minute or two early and end minute or two late. Combined this with the other trend of no commercials between shows and you have the latest "great idea" to keep people from switching channels. "Oh, no, dear, we missed the first minute of CSI. I guess we have to stick with this crappy NBC show now." All this time-shifting does for me is to guarantee that my TiVo will miss the end of your stupid show. Get a clock, boys!



• The Theme Song
Remember when TV shows had theme songs? I mean "Remember when then had original theme songs?" If a show has a theme song at all, it's just a stolen pop song or classic rock song. The old songs were so popular that they actually sell albums containing nothing but old TV show theme songs now. Do you think that will happen 10 years from now for the shows on today? Are you going to pay money to buy the theme song to Lost?

Some shows have no theme at all, or just a three second ditty. Now, you might say that this is good because we get more show. I think we just get more commercials.

TV shows used to have ending credits as well, but no more. That's because the ending credits for any show are now scrunched to the side so a promo for another show can be shown while some dude talks over whatever song you would have heard.



• Stock Footage and Reused Footage
Maybe I watched too many low budget shows, but how times did I see the same footage used over and over again, and on different shows? Need a crowd scene? Use the same news footage from 1972. Need an explosion? You have two to choose from: the house or the car blowing up.

Oh, and how many times did the same Cylon get shot down on the original Battlestar Galactica? You gotta love those "cut and paste" space battles.
• Stock music and Sound effects
Of course the stock footage was accompanied by stock music and sound effects. There were great titles like Chase Music and Fight Music. The original Star Trek had its own "Fight Music" along with the lovely "Kirk Seduces Women Music" and, of course, "Something Goofy Just Happened." (sorry, can't find them online).



• The Karate Chop
Bad in the good ol' days, you could knock out the bad guy with one karate chop to the neck. High-Ya! My favorite was Captain Kirk taking out Sulu a couple of times.
• Emergency Broadcast System
Heard from them lately? Maybe it's because I don't watch TV during the daytime anymore like when I was a kid, but I never see this anymore. Beeeeeeeeeeeep!!! "If this had been an actual emergency, I would be crying like a baby now..."



• "She's Gonna Blow" Car Explosions
While cars still explode if they ever go off road, they used to wait for someone to yell, "She's gonna blow!" first. This person was usually Ponch.

However, like I said, cars do still explode *way* too much. Even though The Simpsons have done their best to parody this, TV writers still haven't gotten the memo (or a clue) that this is cliche. Just say no. Please.



• Models, Blue Screens and People in Costumes
With the advances in CGI, and IQs higher than 12, the age of the "flying rocket held up with fishing line" are over. No more blurry line giving away the (obvious) fact that someone was in front of a blue screen (now green!). And, sadly, no more monsters with zippers down their backs.

True story: I had a friend was used to be in the movie special effects business. He used to build all kinds of cool models and animatronics. He was always onsite for the latest big-budget movie (and a few low budgets ones), but no more. CGI took his job. No one needs animatronic dinosaurs or severed hands that can still move any more. Look out, actors, you're next.

If this all depresses you too much, take heart that some things haven't changed:

• The Reset Button - Unless you're an awesome show like Lost, Babylon 5, or the new Battlestar Galactica, no matter how much happens during the show, everything resets back to how things were before. The episodes can be shown in any order because syndication likes that.
• The Countdowns - The Hero can still defuse a bomb with only seconds left. Whew!
• The "Show's Gonna End" Confessions - If you confront the "bad guy" with tons of evidence during the first half of the show, he will just say "I want my lawyer." However, if it's the last 5 minutes of the show and you just speculate on the guy's guilt, the "bad guy" will break down and tell you everything. His lawyer could even be there, but will just listen contently. Yes, I'm talking to you CSI, among many others.
• The Musical Montage - Need to do anything that takes a long time? Just do it in a musical montage and you can learn to fly a helicopter or speak Russian in only three minutes. The only rule is that your montage must include a pillow fight where feathers fly everywhere.
• The Single Uniform Aliens - No matter where you go in the universe, all aliens share some common traits.
  • They all speak only one language (English, of course)
  • They all wear the same clothes, hair style, etc.
  • They all have the same religion.
  • They all are the same race.
  • They don't mind if you walk around carrying weapons.
  • The entire planet only contains millions of beings (not billions), dispite being eons older than Earth.
  • Everything important is within walking distance of your landing site.

I watch too much TV...