/dev/null/kevin

This cnet review of Lasonic i931 ipod "dock" is hilarious.  You can see the little ipod nano in the tape cassette bay.

Update: Link fixed!  Here is a second link in case that one goes bad.  No commercial, either.

While driving to work I heard back-to-back commercials for an Eddie Money concert and an Andrew "Dice" Clay show.

I'd attend, but I can't find my weight-lifter pants and thin tie with the piano key print.

Tags: 80s | eddie money | andrew dice clay

Is it me or are 80s fashions coming back?  It's about the right time for it as retro 80s stuff is just starting to be cool now.

Retro usually only goes back about 25 years, mainly because retro stuff is only cool to those who weren't alive the first time around.  In the early 1980s, retro was the 50s (cf. Preppy).  We rejected the slovenly and sloppy 70s styles and music.  Disco was declared dead, clothes were neat and colorful, and music was techno and precise (no ad libbing allowed!).  Women's pants covered their belly buttons.

In the early 1990s the 60s retro came calling.  Bell bottoms and tie-dye were back, and grunge music took off.  Hair bands and over-produced music were banished to second billing behind "Puppet Show."    We even tried to recreate the magic with Woodstock '94 (aka Mudstock).

The late 1990s and early 2000s begot 70s retro.  Disco was back!  The song Y.M.C.A. became a staple at every wedding and karaoke bar in the nation.  Wayne's World made head banging to Queen cool.  Low, hip-hugger pants were required by law for everyone under the age of 25.

Fast forward to 2007.  Gone are the syncopated and funky rhythms in pop music.  They have been replaced with boring 80s repetitive 8th note bass lines (same same note).  Avril Lavigne's latest song sounds like the return of The Go Gos.  The kids in High School Musical dress like when I was in high school (class of '84).  Today I saw, not one, but two pictures of young, trend-setting, celebrities wearing pants that, I swear, are identical to ones my girlfriends wore while dancing to Duran Duran.  Goodbye low-rise jeans.  Goodbye belly buttons.  Hello suck-in-your-gut-high-waisted pants!

The 80s, for better or worse, are back.  Be prepared.  I'm pulling out all my thin ties now.

Tags: 80s | fashion | retro | music

As promised, here is a list of things you just don't see anymore on TV. Sadly, this list isn't that long, which means that a lot of the same old crap is still on TV. More on that later...

• The Frozen Pose
Watch any show from the 80s and the show will end with a freeze frame of the actors while the credits rolled - usually mid-laugh. This was brilliantly parodied in Police Squad where the actors just held their pose, simulating a freeze frame.
• Shows That Start and End on Time
Once upon a time, if the TV Guide said a show was on from 8:00pm to 9:00pm that meant it would actually start at 8:00pm and end at 9:00pm. Today, shows start a minute or two early and end minute or two late. Combined this with the other trend of no commercials between shows and you have the latest "great idea" to keep people from switching channels. "Oh, no, dear, we missed the first minute of CSI. I guess we have to stick with this crappy NBC show now." All this time-shifting does for me is to guarantee that my TiVo will miss the end of your stupid show. Get a clock, boys!



• The Theme Song
Remember when TV shows had theme songs? I mean "Remember when then had original theme songs?" If a show has a theme song at all, it's just a stolen pop song or classic rock song. The old songs were so popular that they actually sell albums containing nothing but old TV show theme songs now. Do you think that will happen 10 years from now for the shows on today? Are you going to pay money to buy the theme song to Lost?

Some shows have no theme at all, or just a three second ditty. Now, you might say that this is good because we get more show. I think we just get more commercials.

TV shows used to have ending credits as well, but no more. That's because the ending credits for any show are now scrunched to the side so a promo for another show can be shown while some dude talks over whatever song you would have heard.



• Stock Footage and Reused Footage
Maybe I watched too many low budget shows, but how times did I see the same footage used over and over again, and on different shows? Need a crowd scene? Use the same news footage from 1972. Need an explosion? You have two to choose from: the house or the car blowing up.

Oh, and how many times did the same Cylon get shot down on the original Battlestar Galactica? You gotta love those "cut and paste" space battles.
• Stock music and Sound effects
Of course the stock footage was accompanied by stock music and sound effects. There were great titles like Chase Music and Fight Music. The original Star Trek had its own "Fight Music" along with the lovely "Kirk Seduces Women Music" and, of course, "Something Goofy Just Happened." (sorry, can't find them online).



• The Karate Chop
Bad in the good ol' days, you could knock out the bad guy with one karate chop to the neck. High-Ya! My favorite was Captain Kirk taking out Sulu a couple of times.
• Emergency Broadcast System
Heard from them lately? Maybe it's because I don't watch TV during the daytime anymore like when I was a kid, but I never see this anymore. Beeeeeeeeeeeep!!! "If this had been an actual emergency, I would be crying like a baby now..."



• "She's Gonna Blow" Car Explosions
While cars still explode if they ever go off road, they used to wait for someone to yell, "She's gonna blow!" first. This person was usually Ponch.

However, like I said, cars do still explode *way* too much. Even though The Simpsons have done their best to parody this, TV writers still haven't gotten the memo (or a clue) that this is cliche. Just say no. Please.



• Models, Blue Screens and People in Costumes
With the advances in CGI, and IQs higher than 12, the age of the "flying rocket held up with fishing line" are over. No more blurry line giving away the (obvious) fact that someone was in front of a blue screen (now green!). And, sadly, no more monsters with zippers down their backs.

True story: I had a friend was used to be in the movie special effects business. He used to build all kinds of cool models and animatronics. He was always onsite for the latest big-budget movie (and a few low budgets ones), but no more. CGI took his job. No one needs animatronic dinosaurs or severed hands that can still move any more. Look out, actors, you're next.

If this all depresses you too much, take heart that some things haven't changed:

• The Reset Button - Unless you're an awesome show like Lost, Babylon 5, or the new Battlestar Galactica, no matter how much happens during the show, everything resets back to how things were before. The episodes can be shown in any order because syndication likes that.
• The Countdowns - The Hero can still defuse a bomb with only seconds left. Whew!
• The "Show's Gonna End" Confessions - If you confront the "bad guy" with tons of evidence during the first half of the show, he will just say "I want my lawyer." However, if it's the last 5 minutes of the show and you just speculate on the guy's guilt, the "bad guy" will break down and tell you everything. His lawyer could even be there, but will just listen contently. Yes, I'm talking to you CSI, among many others.
• The Musical Montage - Need to do anything that takes a long time? Just do it in a musical montage and you can learn to fly a helicopter or speak Russian in only three minutes. The only rule is that your montage must include a pillow fight where feathers fly everywhere.
• The Single Uniform Aliens - No matter where you go in the universe, all aliens share some common traits.
  • They all speak only one language (English, of course)
  • They all wear the same clothes, hair style, etc.
  • They all have the same religion.
  • They all are the same race.
  • They don't mind if you walk around carrying weapons.
  • The entire planet only contains millions of beings (not billions), dispite being eons older than Earth.
  • Everything important is within walking distance of your landing site.

I watch too much TV...

Not too long ago, I noted that we don't see keyboards anymore in pop music. At least not like this:

This is from the 1985 Grammys.

OK, I'm getting old. And as such, I've earned the right to talk about the past.

As a child of the 80s, I've seen all sort of things go out of style, come back, and go out of style again (yes you, bell-bottom jeans and Donny Osmond). However, there are a few things that went away and I don't think are ever coming back.

Today's Edition: Music

• The Fade Out.
  Songs used to not end, they just faded out and got quieter and quieter. What was with that? How lazy are you to not write an ending for your song? I'm sure it played better on the radio or something, but with the iGeneration out there I don't think that's ever going to fly again.

• The Never-Ending Song
  While some songs faded out on the radio, the live version of a song might never end. Endless "solos" and schtick could prolong a song well past its expiration date. I'm listening to a live version of Y&T's song "Forever" and it's taking forever for this song to end. I checked and it took one minute and 20 seconds from the "last" note to when they actually stopped playing.

  
  

• The Gong.
  There was a time that every drummer had a huge gong behind him. We're talking 6 to 8 feet across here. It must have weighed 100 pounds, not including the huge stand required to hold it. And for what? How many songs needed that gong? One. Just one. And I don't mean "one song per band" - I mean one song in the history of songs. That song was Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. So unless you are Roger Taylor, it's back to Gong World for you.

  
  

• The Drum Solo.
  I'm picking on drummers since I am one, but the era of the self-indulgent drummer is over. Sorry guys. In the old days drummers like John Bohnam and Neil Peart would go off for hours while their band mates got high and scored with groupies (true!) but no more. The truth is, no one wants to hear it except the other drummers in the audience. The chicks all want the lead singer anyway.

• Kung Fu.
  OK, this might be limited to David Lee Roth and Van Halen, but you just don't see lead singers doing martial arts on stage any more. Is the world a better place? You decide.

  
  

• The Bridge.
  Don't know what a musical bridge is? It's neither the chorus nor the verse, but it ties the two together. It also takes some musical talent to write. Some bands think a bridge is a guitar solo or a rap break. Please. Some of these bands set the bar so low that I'm impressed if I get a key change out of them.

• Keyboards.
  Now of course bands have keyboards, but when was the last time you actually heard one played as a keyboard? Unless it's being a piano you don't. The keyboard has become an effects and sequencing system. You'll hear sustained chords and sampled sounds but you never hear that synth sound anymore. It must tough to be Jean Michel Jarre now.

Next up: Things you just don't see on TV anymore.