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I watched the Emmys last night the best way possible: with TiVo.  It's very important to build up a buffer so you can fast forward through all of the boring parts, also know as "the middle third."

I have blogged about this before, but I'm going to repeat myself because (1)  I watched a different awards show, and (2) they obviously didn't get the message.  Also, this time I will use bullet points, maybe that will make a difference.

Ways to Shorten Awards Shows

• Thank Only Two Names - You can thank two people besides God and your parents.  Once you start listing a bunch of names a trap door opens and you fall into the press room.
  


• Forbid Written Speeches - If you pull out a piece of paper a flame will shoot out of the microphone and set it on fire.
  


• Limit the Lesser Awards - No one cares about best make up in a mini series.  Just have a short parade of the winners.  Add some jugglers, too.  People like jugglers.


• No More Old Guy Brings the Show to a Screeching Halt - If the President of the Academy want to come out and tell us why television so awesome let him do it somewhere else.  Hire a bunch of homeless people and put them into a different theater.  Then let Mr. Windbag give his speech to them.  All homeless people have their own tuxes and dresses so don't worry about that.


• Presenter Banter Humor to Time Ratio - The amount of "spontaneous" banter the presenters can perform before actually giving out an award is directly proportional to the humor in said banter.  John Stewart can talk all day long, but Dane Cook has to start reading the list of nominees while he's walking on stage in his limo driving to the show.


• Two, and Only Two, Production Numbers - What's the best way making an awards show long?  Answer: Don't give away any awards.  So, unless you're giving away statues during the dance number (Hmmm, note to self) you're just prolonging the agony of the viewers.  I'll give you an opening number and just ONE more number.  Use it well.

Follow this advise and your ratings will rise.  Just the chance of watching a celebrity catch fire is sure to attract many viewers.

Here are my predictions for who will win (not who should win) the Oscar.  Predictions are in bold type.

 Update: Winners are in green, my incorrect predictions are in red.

• Best Picture:
• "Babel"
• "The Departed"
• "Letters From Iwo Jima"
• "Little Miss Sunshine"
• "The Queen"

• Actor:
• Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond"
• Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson"
• Peter O'Toole, "Venus"
• Will Smith, "The Pursuit of Happyness"
• Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland"

• Actress:
• Penelope Cruz, "Volver"
• Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal"
• Helen Mirren, "The Queen"
• Meryl Streep, "The Devil Wears Prada"
• Kate Winslet, "Little Children"

• Supporting Actor:
• Alan Arkin, "Little Miss Sunshine"
• Jackie Earle Haley, "Little Children"
• Djimon Hounsou, "Blood Diamond"
• Eddie Murphy, "Dreamgirls"
• Mark Wahlberg, "The Departed"

• Supporting Actress:
• Adriana Barraza, "Babel"
• Cate Blanchett, "Notes on a Scandal"
• Abigail Breslin, "Little Miss Sunshine"
• Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls"
• Rinko Kikuchi, "Babel"

• Directing:
• Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel"
• Martin Scorsese, "The Departed"
• Clint Eastwood, "Letters From Iwo Jima"
• Stephen Frears, "The Queen"
• Paul Greengrass, "United 93"

• Foreign Language Film:
• "After the Wedding" Denmark
• "Days of Glory (Indigenes)" Algeria
• "The Lives of Others" Germany
• "Pan's Labyrinth" Mexico
• "Water" Canada

• Adapted Screenplay:
• Sacha Baron Cohen and Anthony Hines and Peter Baynham and Dan Mazer and Todd Phillips, "Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan"
• Alfonso Cuaron and Timothy J. Sexton and David Arata and Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby, "Children of Men"
• William Monahan, "The Departed"
• Todd Field and Tom Perrotta, "Little Children"
• Patrick Marber, "Notes on a Scandal"

• Original Screenplay:
• Guillermo Arriaga, "Babel"
• Iris Yamashita and Paul Haggis, "Letters From Iwo Jima"
• Michael Arndt, "Little Miss Sunshine"
• Guillermo del Toro, "Pan's Labyrinth"
• Peter Morgan, "The Queen"

• Animated Feature Film:
• "Cars"
• "Happy Feet"
• "Monster House"

• Art Direction:
• "Dreamgirls"
• "The Good Shepherd"
• "Pan's Labyrinth"
• "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"
• "The Prestige"

• Cinematography:
• "The Black Dahlia"
• "Children of Men"
• "The Illusionist"
• "Pan's Labyrinth"
• "The Prestige"

• Sound Mixing:
• "Apocalypto"
• "Blood Diamond"
• "Dreamgirls"
• "Flags of Our Fathers"
• "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"

• Sound Editing:
• "Apocalypto"
• "Blood Diamond"
• "Flags of Our Fathers"
• "Letters From Iwo Jima"
• "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"

• Original Score:
• "Babel" Gustavo Santaolalla
• "The Good German" Thomas Newman
• "Notes on a Scandal" Philip Glass
• "Pan's Labyrinth" Javier Navarrete
• "The Queen" Alexandre Desplat

• Original Song:
• "I Need to Wake Up" from "An Inconvenient Truth" Melissa Etheridge
• "Listen" from "Dreamgirls" Henry Krieger, Scott Cutler and Anne Preven
• "Love You I Do" from "Dreamgirls" Henry Krieger and Siedah Garrett
• "Our Town" from "Cars" Randy Newman
• "Patience" from "Dreamgirls" Henry Krieger and Willie Reale

• Costume:
• "Curse of the Golden Flower"
• "The Devil Wears Prada"
• "Dreamgirls"
• "Marie Antoinette"
• "The Queen"

• Documentary Feature:
• "Deliver Us From Evil"
• "An Inconvenient Truth"
• "Iraq in Fragments"
• "Jesus Camp"
• "My Country, My Country"

• Documentary (short subject):
• "The Blood of Yingzhou District"
• "Recycled Life"
• "Rehearsing a Dream"
• "Two Hands"

• Film Editing:
• "Babel"
• "Blood Diamond"
• "Children of Men"
• "The Departed"
• "United 93"

• Makeup:
• "Apocalypto"
• "Click"
• "Pan's Labyrinth"

• Animated Short Film:
• "The Danish Poet"
• "Lifted"
• "The Little Matchgirl"
• "Maestro"
• "No Time for Nuts"

• Live Action Short Film:
• "Binta and the Great Idea (Binta Y La Gran Idea)"
• "Eramos Pocos (One Too Many)"
  
• "Helmer & Son"
• "The Saviour"
• "West Bank Story"

• Visual Effects:
• "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest"
• "Poseidon"
• "Superman Returns"

Tags: academy awards | oscars | predictions