/dev/null/kevin

In my continuing effort to become a writer for cracked.com, I present my list of The 7 Most Annoying Kids in Science Fiction.  These are the kids thrown into an otherwise good TV show or movie just so it can appeal to a younger audience and Hasbro can sell more action figures.  Most of the kids are bad actors to begin with, but the writers usually make them out to be extra cute or precocious.  Then they are either too smart or too stupid to be realistic (sometimes both).

I'm going to eliminate all shows specifically aimed at kids.  Otherwise, the list would be endless.

Some common things that sci-fi kids do to be annoying:

• Save the day by being too smart.
• Save the day by being little.
• Save the day by being innocent.
• Save the day by pure luck.
• Save the day by reminding everyone the true meaning of Christmas.
• Be a plot point by not doing what they're told.
• Be a plot point by getting lost.
• Be a plot point by needing to be rescued.
• Be a plot point running off to save their pet.
• Yelling their pet's name a lot.
• Having their own named yelled a lot.
• Introducing teen/tween angst into the mix.
• Telling a stupid joke at the end of the show.

#7: Will Robinson - Lost in Space (original)

To be fair, I kind of liked Will, but mainly because I was a kid when I watched this show.  Also, we wouldn't have a phrase "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!" without him.  So, Will is the least annoying, and thus listed first.

Will was a little too smart for his own good, but the show was also super cheesy to begin with, so perhaps he made the show better.  The TV show quickly became all about Will, Robot, and Dr. Smith, which I'm sure annoyed the rest of the adult cast.  At least Bill Mumy grew up into pretty cool guy and did some good work on Babylon 5 (which banned kids from the cast).

I don't even remember the Will Robinson from the Lost in Space movie remake from 1998, so I guess he sucked.  Best to remember this blooper clip from the original show's 30th anniversary:

#6: All the kids from the original Star Trek

While there were no kids as part of the regular cast (thank goodness), a few episodes featured children.  All of them suffered for it.

First there was Charlie X, about an annoying boy with supernatural powers.  Then came Miri, the story about kids living all by themselves.  Finally, when the writing well went dry, there was And The Children Shall Lead, the story about children living all by themselves with supernatural powers.  They were also dressed in the best of 60s table cloths.

If kids weren't annoying enough with their talk of gr'ups, or controlling your mind with fist pumps, they were making creepy unwanted sexual advances towards you.  Who needs that?  At least Charlie was able to shut up Uhura's singing.  Bonus points for that.

#5: Ulysses and True - Earth 2

Here's a show you've probably never heard of.  It was a pretty good show on NBC in 1994, but it only lasted one season.  Colonists trying to colonize a new Earth-like planet crash land far short of their expected landing site.  They must deal with low supplies, the planet's indigenous inhabitants, kind of like Survivor.  They must also deal with the shadowy and corrupt government of old Earth, who doesn't want them leaving -- again, just like Survivor.  The show had good potential but NBC was too dumb to know what to do with it.

Being colonists, there were also kids.  Two of them, which meant double the annoyance.  Naturally, they belonged to the group's leader and to her potential love interest/antagonist.  The boy, Ulysses - aka Uly ("Yoo-lee"), was also sick and wore a full-body Forrest Gump brace.  Lots of drama around his being sick, natch.  He'd usually get lost, or kidnapped, or something.  His mom would cry "YOOOO-LEEEE!" far too often.  He also had some magical connection to the planet and the dirt people who lived there.  Yes, he saved the day a few times by being pure of heart or some such nonsense.

The girl's name was True and she was mainly annoying because she was named True.  She'd also get lost or captured and her dad would cry "TROOOOOO!" All the while Uly's mom was still crying "YOOOO-LEEE!"  Good times.  At least she didn't have any magical powers.  Oh wait, here she is saving the day:

Yes, I know having two kids here means I should call this the "8 Most Annoying Kids" but that would involve finding the BACKSPACE key, and I've got things to do.

#4: Walt - Lost

When Walt was on the show he spent most of his time chasing his dog and making mysterious things happen just using his mind.  Need a polar bear?  Just ask Walt.  Yes, just like Uly on Earth 2, Walt has some special connection to the island.  Also like Uly, his father, Michael, spent quite a bit of time yelling "WAAALT!!" and talking about "my boy!"  That is, when he's not too busy killing everyone else just to save "my son!!!"

Both Walt and Michael left the show, but recently Walt was seen in a flashback and Michael just returned.  I expect to hear cries of "I'm doing this to save my son!" very soon.  I also expect Walt to be 7 feet tall.

#3: Wesley Crusher - Star Trek: The Next Generation

Wesley Crusher, more so than any character, solidified the notion that kids and sci-fi don't mix, much like tuna fish and jelly.  He would probably be #1 on most people's list.  Wesley was Star Trek creator Gene Wesley Roddenberry's alter-ego on the show.  Wesley "saved the day" seven times, according to Wikipedia, and was often smarter than the highly trained crew of the Enterprise.  Fans grew to hate him quickly.  This video of Wesley being killed in an alternate reality became a fan favorite.  Alternate.  Why must is always be an alternate reality?

So, why isn't Wesley #1 on my list?  Two reasons.  First, the producers/writers realized that they had a problem and made some changes.  Wes eventually left the Enterprise to annoy people at Starfleet Academy, so he was absent for weeks at a time from the show.  When he did come back he was more human, making mistakes (big ones) and took a different path than the Wunderkind track he was on.  Plus, after seven years, he was just plain older and less kid-like.  He also stopped wearing the ugly rainbow tunic.  But for some people it was already too late.  They hated him no matter what, but I will cut him a little slack.

The second reason Wesley isn't #1 is that actor Wil Wheaton grew up to be a pretty cool guy.  Wil is now a big sci-fi fan himself and is fairly active in the community.  He has an insider's insight, but doesn't flaunt it.  He blogs and twitters and is fairly interesting.  I also like this story about him from IMDb: 

Still, we can't forget all of the annoying things he did to make this list and inspire the phase "Shut up, Wesley!"

#2: Anakin Skywalker - Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

Can a single kid ruin a whole movie?  With the help of Jar Jar Binks, Jake Lloyd's Anakin Skywalker (he who would become Darth Vader) ruined the movie for quite a few people.  To be fair to Episode One, it had some good things going for it (e.g. music, SFX, cool light sabre fight), but almost all of the bad things centered around Jar Jar and young Anakin.

Where to start?  Anakin hit almost all of the annoying kids bullet points.  Sure he's Darth Vader and has mad skillz with da force, but must he do everything with such a "golly, gee-wiz" attitude?  The Silver Spoons hair cut didn't do him any favors, either.  Yet there he was, saving the day, winning pod races, dodging lasers, all without trying, and all while spewing cutesy lines.  Lloyd's acting didn't help matters any, but when George Lucas gave him lines like "Are you an angel?" my stomach felt such nausea that it longed to be sliced open with a light sabre and have stuffed Luke inside.  Ok, that came out a little weirder than I intended.

Keep in mind that boy Anakin flew into space, was not shot down, landed on a hostile base, destroyed the Death Star Droid Control Ship, and re-entered the atmosphere without burning up.   All on his first try.

And what ever happened to that cute little kid?  Here he is, still as cute as ever.  And by cute I mean a scruffy mess. (from Wikipedia).

Here's a great video showing how Episode One should have ended:

#1: Boxey - Battlestar Galactica (Original)

The original Battlestar Galactica from 1978 was a campy space show riding the popularity wave created by Star Wars.  In it, main character, Apollo, adopted Boxey when Boxey's mom (and Apollo's girlfriend) was killed.  Boxey's dog, er, daggit, named Muffit was also killed.  To make Boxey feel better, he was given a robotic daggit, creatively named Muffit.  No word if he was also given a robotic mom.  If he was, Apollo kept her secret.

Muffit was played by a monkey in a costume.  He was supposed to be cute, but I just found him to be creepy, as I find all monkey-related things.  Given that Battlestar Galactica was already ripping off Star Wars, I guess the producers also wanted to rip of BJ and the Bear as well.  And why not?  They were both written by the same guy, Glen Larson.  People love monkeys!  We need a space monkey!

What makes Boxey the #1 most annoying sci-fi kid?  While #3 Wesley Crusher eventually grew into something better, and #2 Anakin Skywalker's character was necessary to the Star Wars prequels, Boxey was neither.  He was nothing more than a gimmick added to the show to appear to younger a younger audience.  All of his scenes were filler.  Even as a kid I didn't like Boxey or Muffit.  He was constantly getting lost, looking for Muffit or just having a really schmaltzy conversation with his dad, grandpa or aunt.  He and Muffit even saved the day once.  It only required sacrificing the dignity of several senior officers as they were forced to say the word mushies.

Even though Battlestar Galactica only lasted one season, we do know that Boxey did not grow up into a cool guy.  In the revival series Galactica 80 (I shudder just typing the name) Boxey turned into Captain Troy, super dork.  Apparently, he spent the 20 years between series sitting in a box (get it?) getting dumber and becoming a stiffer actor.  Yes, it could be argued that Galactica 80s own Dr. Zee could make this list, but I can't think too much about that show without getting hives.

And what of Noah Hathaway, who portrayed Boxey?  He took the anti-geek route, getting into motorcycles, welding and tattoos.  Here is a picture of a grown up Noah and his MySpace page, which features said tattoos.  At least he's not a total tool like Captain Troy.

BTW, the new Boxey from the new Battlestar Galactica did not fare too well.  After being introduced in the pilot miniseries, he was essentially cut out and eliminated.  And there was much rejoicing.

I tried to find a good video clip of Boxey in action, but he had to be annoying to the last.  Almost every clip of the original Battlestar has been purged from YouTube.  So, the best I can do is direct you to the new AOL / Hulu pages for entire episodes.  The service is free and does NOT require any registration, but you might have to sit through a commercial or two.  I also don't know how long the episodes will remain up, as I hear Hulu's content might rotate.

Gun on Ice Planet Zero - Skip to 29:45 (about 3/5th of the way) to see Boxey screw things up just by being there.  The adults have crash landed on Ice Planet Zero, only to find that Boxey (and Muffit) have stowed away on board.  Naturally, Muffit runs away into the snow and hilarity ensues.

 
For the sake of completeness, here are two more kids I considered, but rejected, because they were both realistic, necessary and added value.

Not annoying kids:

• Jake Sisco - Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
• John Connor - Terminator 2

Proving that you're never too old to learn, or too young to teach, my four year old daughter taught her grandparents how to use a computer.  Granted it was a Mac Book Pro, but Ang Ang was a pro in no time.

Here are some photos and a short video of them in action:

Here a few of the results (they took dozens):

Yes, Steve Jobs, they are available for your next marketing campaign.

Scientists have made another obvious discovery: Kids hate clowns! [link]

Of course kids hate and fear clowns, everyone should.  At best clowns are annoying, but most clowns are scary.  Grown men and women with grotesque makeup?  What's not to fear?

And I'm not alone:

• ihateclowns.com
• This writer
• These guys
• Wikipedia
  
• And this Wikipedia user
  

The most famous clown-hating "person" is Bart Simpson.  Ironically, in looking for Bart's infamous "clown'll eat me" clip, I found the following anti-clown video from Alice Cooper.  Alice Cooper fears clowns!  Man, that alone speaks volumes!

Warning, if you don't fear clowns now, you might after watching this video!  The first 30 seconds are Bart and his clown, but the rest is an Alice Cooper video featuring his scary clowns (most from the movie IT). 

UPDATE [03 May 2008]: OMG.  If this doesn't make you hate clowns, nothing will.

Christmas is coming (yes, you heard that here first).  So, I present¹ you with Kevin's Christmas Survival Pack For Parents.  It's not enough to have bought all the gifts, food and decorated the house, you need to be prepared for after the gifts are opened.

Here's a list of things that every parent needs on Christmas morning (not including alcohol):

• Quality Scissors - For cutting open those sealed plastic boxes.


• Band-Aids - For when you cut yourself on the opened sealed plastic boxes.


• Wire Cutters and Pliers - For those toys tied down with 75 feet of 20 gauge wire.


• Small Phillips screw diver - For those little battery compartments.  Apparently, the batteries try to escape.


• Magnet, Flashlight and Magnifying glass - For when you lose those little screws.


• Glue Gun, Zip Ties and Tape - To repair all those little accidents.  You can also keep toddlers in one place for a little while.


• Lots of Batteries - Y'know, cuz they're not included.


• Stud Finder - Lots of junk goes on the walls so make sure it doesn't fall.  My stud finder always points towards me.

¹ See what I did there?  Another Christmas pun, free of charge.  You're welcome!

My wife showed me this Precious Moments Snow White figurine that rates a 10 on the cute scale.

But my daughter goes to 11.

My daughter doesn't like to eat bread crust.  I know she's not alone.  Yet we tell our kids to eat is because it's supposedly healthier.  My initial reaction was that it's probably not since both the crust and the inside from from the same dough.  The only difference would be that that the crust is more cooked and has whatever topping you might put on it.

It turns out that I'm wrong.  The crust really is healthier than the rest of the bread.  A 2002 German study found that the crust contains an antioxidant called pronyl-lysine.

So, until we can get her to eat crusts I will now be eating them instead of throwing them away, or feeding them to the dog.  Sorry, Bruiser. 

As a Star Wars fan, I've been waiting for this moment for a long time.  I got to sit down and watch Star Wars with my daughter on my lap.  She loved it.  I loved watching it with her and answering her questions (she had many).  Afterwards she wanted to play with my Star Wars toys vintage collectables.  And, yes, I did show her Daddy in the movie.  She wants me to wear that costume for Halloween.

She cannot escape her destiny:

She's four years old and is really into characters and plots now.  No more Dora, Blue's Clues and Wiggles.  Now it's High School Musical (1 & 2) and many new books.  She can handle the idea of death without getting scared and she also knows that everything on TV is "pretend."  It helps that I tell her what's going to happen so she's prepared.  Still, some concepts were hard to explain.  The Force, Obi-Wan dead, but not really.  I didn't want to call him a ghost so he's just "living inside the Force" now.  She also didn't like Alderaan betting blown up.  I had to compare that to the Big Bad Wolf blowing down the pigs' houses.

She liked Princess Leia because she's into the whole Princess thing (thanks, Disney), but that's also got her interested in the first place.  I think her only disappointment in Star Wars was that Princess Leia didn't do anything during the final battle.  Where is she?  What's she looking at?  Where's her spaceship?  Time for some Nancy Drew books now and some Buffy videos in a few years.  Maybe some Xena. 

She wants to watch "the second movie" but I may wait a bit.  It's a bit darker.

If you want to know how much you do something just tell your kids not to do it.

My four-year-old daughter started calling kids who made her mad stupid so we told her stop.  We explained that it wasn't nice.  I've now learned that I call many things stupid.  To my credit I don't direct it at people, usually situations or ideas, but she catches me at it all of the time.

Yes, I'm pretty sure I know where she learned it from.

Compare last year's picture to this year's picture.

She really has grown 2.5 inches in a year, but she looks the same height.  Strange.  We also remember to get her a haircut this year.

I have to take a Daddy Moment here and beam about my little girl.  She wrote this about a month ago, not long after turning four, completely unassisted.

It says [translated] "I love you, love Hayley"

I LUV UO LUV HAYLEY

The "Ee" and "Gg" are Daddy's.  The rest is hers.

In one of the worst abuses of the DMCA, Universal Music had YouTube take down a 29 second video of a child dancing to Prince's song Let's Go Crazy.  Fortunately, the EFF, and the mom, are suing Universal for it.  YouTube also reinstated the video.

The EFF is claiming that 29 seconds falls within "fair use."  I hope they win, but what is completely ridiculous is that the music is just playing in the background.  It's not dubbed over.  No artist in the world could show that this video hurt their IP or affected their sales in any way.

I read Watership Down as a child and have fond memories of it.  My four year old daughter is always asking me to "make up" stories for her so I usually just tell her modified versions of books that I've read or movies that I've seen (She really liked the adventures of the "robots" R2-D2" and "C-3PO".

Recently she wanted a story about bunnies, so I tried to remember Watership Down.  I remembered a few character names, but couldn't recall enough of the plot to tell her a good story.  So, off to the library we went to get the book and DVD.  The book is to wordy for a four year old to sit through, and there is a whole mythology and language to learn.  As a result, I've taken to reading chapters on my own and then summarizing for her.

*** Spoiler Warnings for Watership Down. ***

My recollection of Watership Down, filtered over these many years, was a story about "bunnies on an adventure."  I had forgotten how violent parts of the story are.  It's hard enough explaining a military command structure to a child, but there are quite a few dead bunnies to contend with as well.  I knew I was in trouble when my daughter was upset that the OWSLA didn't let Fiver eat a cowslip.  And that's just in the first chapter.

Suffice it to say that General Woundwort and Captain Campion are making few appearances in my abridged version of the story.

The DVD isn't much better.  The "next chapter" button will be my friend if I ever let her watch it.  I previewed it and it's quite gory.  It also suffers from something I call "not enough closure" syndrome.  My daughter can handle stories with the characters in some peril, as long as she sees that they are okay at the end.  The problem with lots of "kids" movies is that after showing the characters in lost, hunted, or otherwise unhappy for over an hour, she needs to see them found, safe and happy again for more than just a few minutes.  Just saying "happily ever after" doesn't always cut it.  She wants to see it.

In the case of Watership Down, after the big (and bloody) fight with the General, they fast forward over all of that "safe" time and show Hazel and friends safe for about a minute.  Then the Black Rabbit of Death comes to take Hazel away. 

Good night, sweetie!  Sleep tight!

I can't protect her forever, but I'm going to try for as long as I can.  Long live Hazel-rah.

Here's a picture of my three year old daughter at Pump It Up in Sunnyvale, CA.  The best part of this place is that Dad can play, too!

Tags: slides, kids, fun

Here is the first anti-Sun posting on blogs.sun.com!

<tongue-in-cheek>
If you've been reading all along (and who hasn't!) then you know I have a Sun Blade 2000 at home. I also have a 20 month old daughter, Hayley.

The two don't mix well.

Like most paranoid parents, we spent lots of money on over-priced safety products that include foam pads and double sided tape. We had every sharp corner in the house covered in padding, or so we thought. To date, Hayley has never touched any of these pads, except to bite them or to remove them, but she has never fallen on one.

Enter the Sun Blade 2000, with its dangerous, baby-slicing edges (Sun BLADE, indeed). Tucked next to my desk, three of its razor sharp corners are inaccessible, but the fourth was left negligently exposed at toddler chin level.

Now enter Hayley, bright-eyed and eager to show Daddy her latest trick. Innocently running, she slips and hits the one unpadded corner in the entire house, the Sun Blade 2000. Tears and crying follow, some of it from Hayley. There is blood. There is pain. There is anger and guilt. Murphy and his law is cursed once again. On a side note, Band-Aids on kids don't work. Band-Aid == Food

The Sun Blade 2000, before and after the incident, is shown below.