/dev/null/kevin

The CSI armada of shows is sailing in shark-infested waters and each of the shows is jumping them.

CSI: Miami jumped years ago.  I stopped watching when I couldn't take the show, or David Caruso, seriously anymore.  The only time I see the show is on The Soup, when they make fun of David Caruso.

The original CSI is usually pretty good, but it had a potential shark moment with the episode written by the guys who write Two and a Half Men.  That idea doesn't even sound good on paper, so I can only assume it was some bizarre concession made to end the writers' strike.

And while CSI: NY as never been awesome, I watch it when I can.  That may change if the New Yorkers don't stop being so Web 2.0 savvy, or at least thinking that they're savvy.  It's bad enough when they try to solve crimes in Second Life, but the most recent episode actually featured the following line when tracking down a kidnapped blogger, who continued blog while captured:

I'll create a GUI interface using Visual Basic.  See if I can track an IP address.

-- Spoken by Agent Dumbass

Are you freaking kidding me?  That is just so wrong on so many levels.  I had flashbacks to the magical "Unix GUI" in Jurassic Park.  She might as well have said, "I'm going to draw a pretty picture with Crayola Brand crayons."

I could not watch any more after that.  I should just delete that episode from my TiVo before those bits corrupt any of my other shows with their lameness.

Update: Look for CSI: Target soon. 

The latest iPhone commercial tells me it's great to have an iPhone because I can "see the trail map while I'm on the mountain."

Really?

I feel so foolish carrying around that free paper map!

<sarcasm>
When I'm sitting on a chair lift, 50 feet over deep snow and wearing bulky gloves, my first inclination is to take out my $600 iPhone to look at the trail map.  After I drop it, I'm sure that, in four months after the snow has melted, the friendly hikers bears who find it will return it to me.
</sarcasm>

Also, does anyone really expect to get 5 bar signal strenth and WiFi at the top of a mountain?

This is almost as bad as Bryce, the pilot, who had the tower move up his plane's departure time because he could see weather maps on his phone.

McDonald's will sell you a gift card, but they won't always allow you to redeem it, which really is the most important part of the gift card (with apologies to Seinfeld). 

We received a McDonald's Arch Card for Christmas and my daughter was eager to use it.  We went to the McDonald's in the Stanford Shopping Center (more on why that's important later).  We ordered our food and my daughter wanted to pay with the card -- but she was denied!  They wouldn't take the card because they didn't have the proper equipment to read the card!  Say what?  Surely they meant the equipment was broken or the network was down.  Nope, they just didn't have it.

"You can only use these cards at participating stores."

Participating stores?  Why isn't this store participating?  Answer: the owner just hasn't bothered.  IMHO, that is just inexcusable.

I mentioned that we were in the Stanford Shopping Center.  If you are not familiar with Silicon Valley geography, Stanford Shopping Center is located in Palo Alto, California, right next to Stanford University (as you might have guessed from the name).  According to their own web page, they are "San Francisco Bay Area's premier shopping and dining experience" and they are not exaggerating.  Stanford is full of top end stores and is the mall for Palo Alto, Atherton, Woodside, and Portola Valley.  It's in these towns where you'll find the mansions of most Silicon Valley CEOs, dot-com millionaires and top sports athletes.  Basically, they are the Beverly Hills, Malibu and Hamptons of the Bay Area.

Thus, at this mall for the uber-rich, the McDonald's that charges 20% more for food can't find the time or money to install a fraking gift card reader.  That is lame.  Oh, and this card reader also seems to be the same reader that allows people to pay with credit and debit cards, too.

Technology!  You should look into it!

So remember, if you want to pay for your food at the Luddite Stanford Shopping Center McDonald's, they accept cash, gold coins, glass beads and post-dated stock options.  But no gift cards.

If you want to know how much you do something just tell your kids not to do it.

My four-year-old daughter started calling kids who made her mad stupid so we told her stop.  We explained that it wasn't nice.  I've now learned that I call many things stupid.  To my credit I don't direct it at people, usually situations or ideas, but she catches me at it all of the time.

Yes, I'm pretty sure I know where she learned it from.

 
Can someone explain to me why this is considered a good idea?

Tags: stupid table 

This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.  Given my friends and family, that's saying alot. 

Tags: remote wrangler | stupid

Not much time today, so this will be quick.

• Already mentioned him, but Kanye West definitely qualifies.  Get over yourself already.
  


•  I couldn't be Stupid Friday without this guy.  I've got nothing against gays or evangelical Christians, but I do hate me the hypocrites.  I also hate the really bad liars because it's just insulting.  Maybe Ted Haggard, Jim Bakker, and Jimmy Swaggart can form a musical trio called "Thanks for Buying my Yacht, Suckers!"


• John Kerry.  Just shut up, man!  You botched the joke and the explanation.  Is Karl Rove paying you?
  

Tags: hypocrites, Ted Haggard, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, religion

Ridiculous and misleading election commercials are the norm right now (in the US where we have a midterm election tomorrow next week).  However, there is one that must target only the dumbest people in California.  Using the usual negative ad music and voice over, the announcer warns that...

Dear God!  Not words!!  No!!!  And legally binding at that!

Remember, this November, only vote for laws that contain pictures, but not legally binding pictures, only suggestions.  Yes, support suggestive pictures.  And the more suggestive, the better! 

Tags: election, voting, humor, stupid

OK, if this is going to be a tradition, I should do it at least two weeks in a row.

And now, the week in stupid:

• Big Sunglasses on Stupid Celebrities - I'm convinced the the intelligence of an actress is inversely proportional to the size of her sunglasses.  The bigger the glasses, the dumber the brain.  Need proof?  I got your proof right here.


• George Bush and "The Google."  - Yes, old news, but it just highlights how an inappropriate "the" can make you look stupid.  Up here in enlightened Northern California, we make fun of our less fortunate brethren down in Southern California.  One easy way to tell the difference between a NoCal person and a SoCal person is how they talk about road names.  Up here we will say "Take 101 to 280 to get to San Francisco."  They will say "Take the 101 to the 405 to get to Los Angeles."  They are so used to adding useless words to their speak, like, they don't even know they are doing it, ya know?


• Deep Fried Coke - The stupidest thing about this story is how they want to try deep fried Diet Coke "for those watching their weight."  Good luck with that, fatass.


• Madonna's Adoption - Could she have handled this worse?  No.  Most biological kids of celebrities are messed up, so why are we letting them adopt?

BTW, something not stupid (I hope) is this new blogging Firefox plugin from Performancing.  I wrote this post with it as a test.  It's kind of cool.

Tags: topic:[bush], topic:[coke], topic:[sunglasses], topic:[celebrities], topic:[stupid], topic:[performancing]

Here's new feature I'm calling "Stupid Friday" where I point out stupid things.

• Restless Leg Syndrome.  Apparently this is real, and you can get medicine for it, but how about a better, and less goofy, name for it.  Maybe "ants in your pants disease" or "cooties."
  


• Mark Foley's priest, who Foley says molested him, claims that he's sorry if the nude massages and skinny dipping were perceived as inappropriate for a priest.  Maybe they had Restless Leg Syndrome and needed to massage it out.
  


• George Michael says that smoking pot keeps him sane.  Can you really be sane with no brain? Or career?


• Bling H20.  Really, really expensive water for really, really, really stupid people.
  

Not one, but two three really bad places to eat today.



Yes, it's Hitler's Cross.  What marketing genius came up with this?  Was "Bin Laden's Deli" taken?



How hungry do you have to be to come up with this idea?  Yes, it's the USBBQ.  Sorry, can't use the mouse, keyboard or printer today.  I'm cooking prepackaged meat from a bag!  This restaurant should be called "T.G.I. Triconosis"

Update!

Thanks to Walter for this new entry: Toilet Bowl Restaurant.  Don't order the pupu platter.



Tags: humor restaurant stupid
August 24, 2006 10:20 AM PDT Permalink | |

Solving a problem that I "solved" when I was seven years old, a team of "eggsperts" (their lame pun, not mine) have concluded that the egg came first.

What bugs me most about this story is that it's labeled as a question that has "baffled scientists through the ages."   No, only the stupid ones.

For the benefit of science, here is a list of my answers to some of life's other "great mysteries":

• Is the glass half empty or half full?
  Well, it depends on if you're filling it up or emptying it. Duh. If it's just sitting there, then assume evaporation, thus "half empty."
• If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one to hear it, does it make a sound?
  No. It makes compression waves in the air.
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  I'm going to stop here, because this begins the list of moron questions. I will say that you can drive on driveways and park on parkways, so get on with your life.