/dev/null/kevin

The CSI armada of shows is sailing in shark-infested waters and each of the shows is jumping them.

CSI: Miami jumped years ago.  I stopped watching when I couldn't take the show, or David Caruso, seriously anymore.  The only time I see the show is on The Soup, when they make fun of David Caruso.

The original CSI is usually pretty good, but it had a potential shark moment with the episode written by the guys who write Two and a Half Men.  That idea doesn't even sound good on paper, so I can only assume it was some bizarre concession made to end the writers' strike.

And while CSI: NY as never been awesome, I watch it when I can.  That may change if the New Yorkers don't stop being so Web 2.0 savvy, or at least thinking that they're savvy.  It's bad enough when they try to solve crimes in Second Life, but the most recent episode actually featured the following line when tracking down a kidnapped blogger, who continued blog while captured:

I'll create a GUI interface using Visual Basic.  See if I can track an IP address.

-- Spoken by Agent Dumbass

Are you freaking kidding me?  That is just so wrong on so many levels.  I had flashbacks to the magical "Unix GUI" in Jurassic Park.  She might as well have said, "I'm going to draw a pretty picture with Crayola Brand crayons."

I could not watch any more after that.  I should just delete that episode from my TiVo before those bits corrupt any of my other shows with their lameness.

Update: Look for CSI: Target soon. 

I watched the Emmys last night the best way possible: with TiVo.  It's very important to build up a buffer so you can fast forward through all of the boring parts, also know as "the middle third."

I have blogged about this before, but I'm going to repeat myself because (1)  I watched a different awards show, and (2) they obviously didn't get the message.  Also, this time I will use bullet points, maybe that will make a difference.

Ways to Shorten Awards Shows

• Thank Only Two Names - You can thank two people besides God and your parents.  Once you start listing a bunch of names a trap door opens and you fall into the press room.
  


• Forbid Written Speeches - If you pull out a piece of paper a flame will shoot out of the microphone and set it on fire.
  


• Limit the Lesser Awards - No one cares about best make up in a mini series.  Just have a short parade of the winners.  Add some jugglers, too.  People like jugglers.


• No More Old Guy Brings the Show to a Screeching Halt - If the President of the Academy want to come out and tell us why television so awesome let him do it somewhere else.  Hire a bunch of homeless people and put them into a different theater.  Then let Mr. Windbag give his speech to them.  All homeless people have their own tuxes and dresses so don't worry about that.


• Presenter Banter Humor to Time Ratio - The amount of "spontaneous" banter the presenters can perform before actually giving out an award is directly proportional to the humor in said banter.  John Stewart can talk all day long, but Dane Cook has to start reading the list of nominees while he's walking on stage in his limo driving to the show.


• Two, and Only Two, Production Numbers - What's the best way making an awards show long?  Answer: Don't give away any awards.  So, unless you're giving away statues during the dance number (Hmmm, note to self) you're just prolonging the agony of the viewers.  I'll give you an opening number and just ONE more number.  Use it well.

Follow this advise and your ratings will rise.  Just the chance of watching a celebrity catch fire is sure to attract many viewers.

I hate spoilers.  I don't like having movies, TV shows (or books, Harry Potter leakers) ruined for me and will do everything possible to avoid anything that could reveal major plot points.  Even in the way back days of USENET, I would avoid discussions of upcoming shows.  I also don't watch movie previews of movies I know I want to see.  The same goes for the "scenes from next week" at the end of some TV shows.  The people who make those teasers and trailers don't care about what they spoil; they're job is just to get you to watch it.  I won't even watch the beginning credits of the new Battlestar Galactica because it contains spoilers.

My problem is that almost anything can be a spoiler.  I have a pretty good memory, and a fairly logical mind, so it doesn't take much for me to connect things together.  Show me someone in a certain situation and I can pretty much guess how they're going to get into it.

With so many "web 2.0" feeds and instant communication, avoiding spoilers is harder than ever.  I am on the west coast, so huge plot details appear in my RSS reader before I even see some shows.  I found out who won the first season of Survivor while I was online years ago.  Recently, I actually deleted quite a few RSS feeds in anticipation for the inevitable Harry Potter leak that was to come (and it happened within hours of me doing so).

I had the season finale of Heroes spoiled for me due to a careless Twitter tweet.  The worst spoilers are the careless ones.  People who don't think before they speak (or tweet).

Sometimes people try to be clever and just give a little "hint" at a spoiler.  Don't.  Telling me that "you'll never see the surprise ending coming" means that I will.  Telling someone there is a surprise ending spoils the surprise.  Saying the ending made you happy or sad ruins the surprise.  Pretty much anything you say will spoil the ending.  So shut up! 

What really confuses me are people seek out spoilers!  People watch Entertainment Tonight, read TV Guide, or visit Ain't It Cool to get every piece of gossip and news about something coming out (TV Guide is really bad because they get advanced viewings of everything and then write articles like the shows have already aired).  Then people spread those spoilers carelessly because they assume everyone already know this stuff (bastards).  And then do you know what these spoiler-mongers do after the movie comes out or the TV show airs?  They will complain about it and say thing like "I could see the ending coming" or "it was too predictable."  Of course, dummy!  You read the script Harry Knowles posted!

So, in conclusion, seek out spoilers if you must, but don't assume that anyone else wants to know what you do.  I don't.

For this post only I am disabling comments just in case some jerk wants to put some spoilers in the comments.

As promised, here is a list of things you just don't see anymore on TV. Sadly, this list isn't that long, which means that a lot of the same old crap is still on TV. More on that later...

• The Frozen Pose
Watch any show from the 80s and the show will end with a freeze frame of the actors while the credits rolled - usually mid-laugh. This was brilliantly parodied in Police Squad where the actors just held their pose, simulating a freeze frame.
• Shows That Start and End on Time
Once upon a time, if the TV Guide said a show was on from 8:00pm to 9:00pm that meant it would actually start at 8:00pm and end at 9:00pm. Today, shows start a minute or two early and end minute or two late. Combined this with the other trend of no commercials between shows and you have the latest "great idea" to keep people from switching channels. "Oh, no, dear, we missed the first minute of CSI. I guess we have to stick with this crappy NBC show now." All this time-shifting does for me is to guarantee that my TiVo will miss the end of your stupid show. Get a clock, boys!



• The Theme Song
Remember when TV shows had theme songs? I mean "Remember when then had original theme songs?" If a show has a theme song at all, it's just a stolen pop song or classic rock song. The old songs were so popular that they actually sell albums containing nothing but old TV show theme songs now. Do you think that will happen 10 years from now for the shows on today? Are you going to pay money to buy the theme song to Lost?

Some shows have no theme at all, or just a three second ditty. Now, you might say that this is good because we get more show. I think we just get more commercials.

TV shows used to have ending credits as well, but no more. That's because the ending credits for any show are now scrunched to the side so a promo for another show can be shown while some dude talks over whatever song you would have heard.



• Stock Footage and Reused Footage
Maybe I watched too many low budget shows, but how times did I see the same footage used over and over again, and on different shows? Need a crowd scene? Use the same news footage from 1972. Need an explosion? You have two to choose from: the house or the car blowing up.

Oh, and how many times did the same Cylon get shot down on the original Battlestar Galactica? You gotta love those "cut and paste" space battles.
• Stock music and Sound effects
Of course the stock footage was accompanied by stock music and sound effects. There were great titles like Chase Music and Fight Music. The original Star Trek had its own "Fight Music" along with the lovely "Kirk Seduces Women Music" and, of course, "Something Goofy Just Happened." (sorry, can't find them online).



• The Karate Chop
Bad in the good ol' days, you could knock out the bad guy with one karate chop to the neck. High-Ya! My favorite was Captain Kirk taking out Sulu a couple of times.
• Emergency Broadcast System
Heard from them lately? Maybe it's because I don't watch TV during the daytime anymore like when I was a kid, but I never see this anymore. Beeeeeeeeeeeep!!! "If this had been an actual emergency, I would be crying like a baby now..."



• "She's Gonna Blow" Car Explosions
While cars still explode if they ever go off road, they used to wait for someone to yell, "She's gonna blow!" first. This person was usually Ponch.

However, like I said, cars do still explode *way* too much. Even though The Simpsons have done their best to parody this, TV writers still haven't gotten the memo (or a clue) that this is cliche. Just say no. Please.



• Models, Blue Screens and People in Costumes
With the advances in CGI, and IQs higher than 12, the age of the "flying rocket held up with fishing line" are over. No more blurry line giving away the (obvious) fact that someone was in front of a blue screen (now green!). And, sadly, no more monsters with zippers down their backs.

True story: I had a friend was used to be in the movie special effects business. He used to build all kinds of cool models and animatronics. He was always onsite for the latest big-budget movie (and a few low budgets ones), but no more. CGI took his job. No one needs animatronic dinosaurs or severed hands that can still move any more. Look out, actors, you're next.

If this all depresses you too much, take heart that some things haven't changed:

• The Reset Button - Unless you're an awesome show like Lost, Babylon 5, or the new Battlestar Galactica, no matter how much happens during the show, everything resets back to how things were before. The episodes can be shown in any order because syndication likes that.
• The Countdowns - The Hero can still defuse a bomb with only seconds left. Whew!
• The "Show's Gonna End" Confessions - If you confront the "bad guy" with tons of evidence during the first half of the show, he will just say "I want my lawyer." However, if it's the last 5 minutes of the show and you just speculate on the guy's guilt, the "bad guy" will break down and tell you everything. His lawyer could even be there, but will just listen contently. Yes, I'm talking to you CSI, among many others.
• The Musical Montage - Need to do anything that takes a long time? Just do it in a musical montage and you can learn to fly a helicopter or speak Russian in only three minutes. The only rule is that your montage must include a pillow fight where feathers fly everywhere.
• The Single Uniform Aliens - No matter where you go in the universe, all aliens share some common traits.
  • They all speak only one language (English, of course)
  • They all wear the same clothes, hair style, etc.
  • They all have the same religion.
  • They all are the same race.
  • They don't mind if you walk around carrying weapons.
  • The entire planet only contains millions of beings (not billions), dispite being eons older than Earth.
  • Everything important is within walking distance of your landing site.

I watch too much TV...