Paul's Cranium

I have a long commute to work, and I like to be alone so I can think. These go well together, and I often find myself deep in thought as I drive around. It's fun. And when I get bored with myself, I will resort to listening to my iPod.

Anyway, I was driving about the other day and just thinking to myself. Easier than thinking to others that aren't actually there, I suppose. You know, come to think of it, I don't really understand the concept of "thinking to one's self". How else can you think, really? Just like people to put a bunch of drivel around a word that actually means something. So Ivory Tower, if you catch my meaning.

Hey! Did I just think to you with that tangent? Perhaps. Maybe the "thinking to one's self" thing actually makes the "thinking" part more specific. That is very useful. I'm going to use that more often now that I see the confusion that might ensue should I leave off the "to myself" part.

Whatever. Back to me driving and thinking to myself (of course), I started thinking about bumper stickers. Have you ever thought about bumper stickers? What a horribly cruel thing. How sad and tragic can we possibly make that situation? Those are the worst things you can do to a car!

Ok, so follow me on this one: You are driving along and you notice the car in front of you has a bumper sticker. It's a small little guy, and it looks kind of interesting, but you can't read it. So you get closer...

You don't realize it, but the guy in front of you has done the same thing. When you finally get close enough, you can read the words: "I brake for cheeselogs", you chuckle, because maybe you have seen the result of not stopping for a cheeselog on one occasion and it wasn't pretty. Maybe it wouldn't have been pretty even if you had stopped, but that's a whole separate thing.

Simultaneous to your discovery of your leader's braking habits, the guy in front of you is finally close enough to read the bumper sticker in front of him: "I brake for everything - in fact I'm stopped right now".

SMASH!! SMASH!! 3 car accident. Nobody injured or anything, and the guy in front of you jumps out to make sure that no cheeselogs were involved and in need of his attention.

So the tragedy of this debacle is that cars don't like bumper stickers at all. They know how distracting to other drivers the stupid things can be, yet they are forced to sport them around like an Italian swimsuit model by their owners. The cars themselves are forced to support the very thing that is going to cause them to end up in a junk pile.

1) "Don't blame me, I voted for Ross Perot" - This means that you threw your vote away and probably led to the election of some other loser that raised taxes to the point that you couldn't maintain your car, and now it looks horrible with a 12 year old bumper sticker on it proclaiming your own innocence and virtue. Had you not voted for Ross Perot, maybe you would have enough money right now to remove that ridiculous bumper sticker, restore your very old car to new condition, and put it into a car museum where it will be enjoyed by all. You stupid, stupid man.

2) "I love Collies" - This one is a step further removed than the previous one, and a little less damaging to cars, depending on the size, shape, and color of the bumper sticker (i.e. how distracting it is to other motorists). The tragedy here is that motorists and their cars are the number one cause of premature death and mutilation of domestic pets. Such a horrible way to express your love for any breed but to put it on the facilitator of their ultimate demise. Ever see a 3 legged dog? Ever see a car pass that 3 legged dog with a bumper sticker "I love Collies" and it has a leg hanging under the bumper? A real tragedy, this one. I have to get a handkerchief every time I see one of these bumper stickers. People can be so heartless.

3) "Keep Tahoe Blue" - This is a damn shame, this one. This is one that you are most likely to see strapped to a VW van from the 1960s. If you can see the van. If you can get close enough to it without requiring some fashion of breathing apparatus to ensure your safety. This guy with his environmental bent shoving his ideals down your throat along with 10 lbs of carbon monoxide. This guy, who once got committed to an institution because the police thought he was trying to commit suicide in his van, running with the windows rolled up inside a parking garage. This little message makes your car a target in parking lots. Scratches, dents, people taking out their angst and hatred on your car's antenna and side mirrors.

Anyway, just a thought I had. Haven't really done anything with it so far. Haven't had much time yet. I'll figure out how to fix this though. It's just education that's missing, I think. I mean, people being so completely unwitting and all - not being able to figure this out for themselves and whatever. I'm sure there is some remedy that could be exacted.

Comments:

I would have ot agree with you. I don't think anyone would really be honest or stupid enough to admit to causing an accident over a bumper sticker but I'm sure it's happened. On a slightly different note, I had some similar thoughts about car alarms: http://derek.trideja.com/gripes.php

Posted by Derek on August 08, 2004 at 09:57 PM PDT #

Derek, you clearly have your finger on the automotive security industry. And the people that use their products.

Actually, I also have a car with a built in alarm. I use it, not because I think that there are people watching me through a high-powered scope waiting for the day I finally forget to push the button on my remote to make the whole thing secure, but rather because I can lock my car remotely.

Yeah, I could do without the sound effects too. What a mechanical bird-kind-of-a-sound that is, anyway. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near a flock of those suckers, I'll tell you that!

Hey, there's a bit of an issue with your last argument though. If you will indulge me inserting the text for the convenience of my readers (should they actually exist):

There have been over 130 house and (mostly) car alarms audible from my desk at home since November 2003. Distributed evenly, that's about one alarm every other day as of July 2004. So far, none of them have resulted in stories about things getting stolen.

First of all, Derek, I sincerely hope this is an estimate. Not that I don't believe you, but if you are actually keeping track of these occurances I would have to say that you are investing far too much energy into a technology you don't believe in. Ignore it, Derek. I beg you, please ignore it.

Second, and more importantly, if this is true, you have expertly handed great evidence of the utility of auto alarms to your opponent. I mean all of those attempts, each one foiled by such a simple contraption. Not one stolen home or car in presumably over 130 attempts. It sounds like everyone needs one, and should use it constantly.

In fact, if you like to think about extremes (as I obviously do), you have to consider both sides:

What if nobody ever used an alarm? Hey, suddenly keys are that much more important. You better lock that thing, 'cause it won't complain if someone else takes it for a spin.
What if, we created a market in which everyone can participate in the virtues of auto alarm ownership? To do this, we have to find a way to bring the price way down. The tradeoff could be the complex electronics that figure out when you are pressing the button on your remote, and the confusing network of switches and devices that detect intrusion of various forms. Lose all that stuff. We'll have the thing going off all the time! It seems only fair, really.

I have to admit to quite a number of occasions in which I was apparently breaking in to my own car. True to the vision of its creators, my alarm faithfully reminded me to hit the little button on my remote. The system works, Derek. You have to work with the system.

Posted by Paul on August 09, 2004 at 08:10 AM PDT #

I'll agree with you Paul, but I'm inclined to say I don't spend -that- much energy tracking these things, but they're pretty difficult to ignore. It became a fun thing to do, and I just kept doing it. My workspace is hot enough that I keep the window open most of the time, so car alarms are almost impossible to ignore without my stereo on full blast.

I would agree that they are useful things, but I haven't gone so far as to track how many of those alarms were false ones--that is, alarms followed by people driving away. I'll never know and, as someone who just plain hates cars and driving, I cared just enough to put that silly page of rants together. Hopefully you didn't think I was *that* serious. :)

Also, thanks to my wonderful SunRay, I've relocated my Sun boxen to the basement--now I can keep my window closed more often, thus cutting down the number of car alarms that reach my ears. Hooray. ;)

Posted by Derek on August 09, 2004 at 03:51 PM PDT #