Jen Crosby's Racing Blog

Saturday June 02, 2007

A new perspective on life

So here I am, 6 weeks and one day on from the accident.  It's been a rollercoaster of emotions, and there's still more to come I'm sure.  Being in a wheelchair has been pretty mad - it was certainly a novelty to begin with; I was so determined to be as independant as I could, and make sure that coping was no problem.  Getting around the house has been ok - with the bedroom being relocated to the dining room there was no problem there.  Red and Ben have been amazing, and have done everything to make sure I'm comfortable.  The first day on my own, with them at work was a bit scary and lonely, but I knew I'd be able to manage.  So often Red would come home after work and I'd be able to tell her about something else I'd managed to do that day that I couldn't do before.  My strength has returned pretty quickly to be honest.  Red would come home after work and take me out shopping, just so I could get out of the house, and they'd always make an effort to get me to wherever they might be going, no matter how much hassle it seemed.  And so, thanks to my friends,  without being able to stand, walk, or go anywhere without my wheelchair, I've been to trackdays, race meetings, dinners and barbeques over the past few weeks, which has been brilliant. 

For the first couple of weeks I was still regaining strength, my stomach muscles and my legs, even though I wasn't putting weight on them, were pretty useless, and it was hard work moving about at all.  But as I've grown stronger, particularly in the last week or so, I've become increasingly frustrated with being in the wheelchair and being stuck at home.  As a consequence I've become a bit grumpy, and snappy, and I feel horrible because of it. I've not been the easiest person to live with for the past 10 days or so, I'm sure, and I want to apologise to Red and Ben for that. I feel like I've been selfish, and self-absorbed. People say that I'm entitled to feel a bit down, and that I'm handling it well, I've been through a lot, but to me there's no excuse for it. My friends have been the largest part of my recovery, and I should never, ever give them grief, after everything they've done, so I'm very, very sorry for being such a pain in the @rse.

I saw the consultant at the hospital last week, and I've now been referred to a physio to get me on crutches next week. It's brilliant news, getting on crutches is the thing I've been looking forward to it for weeks because it feels to me like I'll have a whole lot more independence back. I should be able to get out and about, walk to the shops at the end of the road, get the bus into town or the train to see friends. The wheelchair is hugely restrictive with that – curbs, and even the slightest hill makes it really difficult to get about. Just the logistics of getting anywhere on your own – a single step into a pub or a shop or a restaurant mean I always need someone to be there. I have a whole new realisation of what it's like for people who are permanently in a wheelchair. The planning it seems to require to do anything is phenomenal, and frustrating. So I'm looking forward to the crutches. I'm sure I'll get annoyed with them too after the 6 weeks I'm supposed to be on them, but at least I'll feel like I'm getting somewhere, and doing something. Walking will be a challenge, sitting in a chair just doesn't feel like progress.

Being the impatient and stubborn soul I am at the moment, I decided that as the consultant said it was time for me to start weight bearing I'd do just that. Now I know he meant to wait for the physio, but... I stood up for the first time in 6 weeks. It was a very very strange feeling. My muscles are definitely weaker, but it wasn't painful, nor difficult. It felt odd being at a different height again, everything looked different. It feels almost like my centre of gravity is lower somehow, I'm not sure how to explain it. Once stood I can't move (well, I'm too worried to), even twisting a little from my hips feels unstable, and I suspect it would be very easy to over balance and fall over. I think I'll wait for the physio for anything more challenging. But each time I stand it feels easier (I've been doing it a few times a day), and I'm really excited about trying to walk.

I've wondered whether this whole experience has changed my outlook on life. It's something I've thought a lot about – that crash was the closest I've ever been to not making it through something. So does it make me want to live my life differently? I'm still undecided on how it's affected me. I guess at the moment I'm just keen to work on my recovery. But having said that I have the urge to do some things I've not done before, or I've always wanted to do, and I guess that's got to be fallout from the whole experience. I don't know, I'll have to think more on that one.

Well that's probably enough ramblings – I have far too much time to think these days. I'll no doubt post once I'm on my feet (and crutches).

( Jun 02 2007, 09:32:58 AM GMT+00:00 )

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