Every so often news appears which restores one's faith in our great national institutions.
Hugh Grant will not be prosecuted over allegations that he kicked a photographer and threw a tub of baked beans at him. One does not have to read far between the lines to guess that Mr Grant, whose relationship with the press has often - if I can put it this way - been prickly in the privacy area, may have been reacting to perceived intrusive behaviour.
The photographer, a Mr Whittaker of the Daily Star, is reported as saying that he was trying to get photographs of Mr Grant's former partner, Liz Hurley, who lives nearby. He is also reported as saying "I politely asked [Mr Grant] if I could take a picture of him and if he’d smile for the camera. Suddenly he’s following me down the road and hurling abuse. He kicks me three times then knees me near the groin". However, it was an alleged abusive comment which "really upset me and is why I went to the police to make a complaint of assault against him".
With comparable dignified reserve, a spokeswoman for the Crown Prosecution Service explained the decision not to prosecute over the alleged kickings:
"This is because there were clear discrepancies between the accounts of independent witnesses and those of the photographers involved. In relation to a second allegation involving a take away food container, the CPS decided that a prosecution would not be in the public interest."
She added that "the minimal nature of the alleged assault and the lack of pre-meditation on the part of Mr Grant" were also among the reasons for the decision not to prosecute over the bean-throwing claim.
You can practically hear the tetchy questioning from the Bench:
Mr Justice Crust: "What is this 'take away food' to which counsel refers?"
Counsel: "M'Lud, certain restaurants will prepare food and then place it in disposable containers for the customer to take home, thus obviating the need to cook, or to wash crockery."
Mr Justice Crust: "And these 'baked beans' are considered a delicacy worth procuring in such a way?"
Counsel: "They are very popular in some circles, M'Lud."
Mr Justice Crust: "Not least, I take it, for their ballistic properties..."
[Laughter in court]
So there you have it. If you do decide to assault someone (allegedly), the key to staying out of the nick is to use only a small tub of beans, and not to plan ahead.
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