Belly Button Lint: Rick Ramsey's Weblog

Excerpt from a biker forum conversation with Da Don

(PG-13 Rating for suggestive language and mild scatological humor)

Da Don:

As has been happening a lot lately, last night I got stuck at work for about 22 hours. Seems like something takes a s**t every other day. My life sucks. In fact, it took a turn for the worser tonight.

Coming to work tonight, I FORGOT MY PP COLA! HOLY S**T!

Yeppers, I fired up a Lucky, went to grab my PP Cola, and NO PP Cola. I immediately panicked.

I got to the town where I work, stopped at a gas station, went in to buy a PP Cola, and NO MONEY! Jesus H. Christ! How bad can it get? As if by magic, some frantic pocket digging turned up a dollar bill. Plus some change. So, I was able to get my PP Cola. WHEW!

Then, finding that I was suddenly RICH, I decided to invest some money in a snack. But then, I couldn't decide between Nutty Bars or a Zebra Cake.

Decisions, decisions.

Finally, I asked the clerk what she'd choose. Figgered she'd know because she's a BIGGER girl, if'n ya get my drift. We settled on Nutty Bars.

So, now I'm at work, tippy-tappin' away, ridin' da key-BORED, PP Cola at my right hand, and Nutty Bars to the left. Headin' outside in a minute to fire up anudder Lucky. Life is good.

Rickster:

Da Donster, you have a unique talent for making the mundane sublime.

Da Don:

I hope that's a good thing. Although, it doesn't sound dirty, so how good could it be?

Now, if you'd written that I was a procrastinator, which I am, BIG TIME, I'd really appreciate that. Why? Because "procrastinator" sounds NAUGHTY.

Doncha like clean words that sound dirty? I do.

Oh, here's anudder: ASININE! Tee-hee!

Rick, next time, write, "(blah, blah) mundane asinine." I'd like that.

So, whatcha been up to?

Rickster:

I've been spelunking for pulchritude, Donster. Well, I wish I'd been. Instead, I've been spending a lot of time alone, prognosticating. Actually, I equivocate. I have learned a few colloquialisms, but they don't sound naughty, do they? "Mildred, darlin, would you mind slipping on that pretty little colloquialism?" Doesn't do it for me. Does it do it for you?

Cuneiform kinda does it for me. "Martha, what say you and me cuneiform for a spell?"

On the bike front, I'm waiting for my custom-made throttle cable that I ordered from Motion Pro. I'm gonna run it through the Flanders chimps I put on the bike and have myself a clean-lookin front end. Ooops. Did I just say something naughty?

Da Don:

Thanks. I needed that.

As a textual predator, naughty-sounding words really get me excited. Your reply was especially gratifying.

Next time, write something using onomatopoeia. Perhaps you could throw assonance in there too.

For extra credit, try using coccyx, titular, and Volvo.

Rick, I've been told that a person can get a really good view of Uranus from the shores of Lake Titicaca. Is that true?

Oops! Looks like you're still IT.

Biker s***: Nope, still not ridin'. However, I did order two new tires. Also, called Lyndall, left a message, and didn't get a call back. So, maybe tomorrow I'll have better luck.

Rickster:

You're welcome, Donster. Hey, this exchange don't qualify as a geezer version of Broke Biker Mountain, does it? Did I just have an assonance there? If I did, it was definitely titular.

I'll tell you a little about Lake Titicaca. As you know, it straddles the border between Peru and Bolivia. Peru is on the left, Bolivia is on the right. When I was a kid, we claimed Titi for Peru while leaving c*c* for Bolivia. S**t is definitely an instance of onomatopoeia, though I don't understand how its Spanish equivalent would be unless my kinfolk had particularly noisome personal moments.

I'm about to slide my coccyx into da wife's Beetle and drive my little one to school. (We sold the Volvo years ago.) Looks like I gotta do a forums interruptus on ya. I apologize if I left you less than fully satisfied.