If The Election Had Been An Arithmetic Problem
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
+10
-------
55
A civilized country would have argued the relative weights of each number. For instance, the Even Party would claim that numbers 2,4,6, and perhaps 8 deserved greater emphasis in our consideration than numbers 1,3,5, and perhaps 7. And the Odd Party would make its corresponding claim to the contrary. The merits of each side would be discussed in cravats and dark blazers shepherding dry martinis around drawing rooms, and the election results would spark a raised eyebrow here and a satisfied frown there.
Not in America.
America's Odd Party claimed these were the facts:
1
3
5
7
+9
-------
25
Our Even party argued that no, these were the facts:
2
4
6
8
+10
-------
30
Since we were unable to even agree on the facts of the problem, we spent most of our time insulting each other...
"Any idiot can add up the numbers and see that the answer is 25."
"Except that it's 30."
"Only an Even moron could add 1,3,5,7, and 9, and get 30."
"And it would take an imbecil of the kind that only the Odd Party could produce to get 25 from 2,4,6,8, and 10."
"The Even Party is the refuge of cowards, traitors, and sissies.
"Anyone who votes for the Odd Party is either an imbecil, a crook, or Rasputin himself."
To compound our difficulties, the Odd Party protested that the laws of arithmetic were biased against their interests and that in fact, 1+1 does not equal 2. The press, not wanting to appear biased toward the Even Party, gave equal weight to correct and incorrect arithmetic.
To compound our difficulties further, the Odd Party claimed that people who insisted on getting the right answer were intellectuals out of touch with Real Americans, who earn their living with their hands. The unspoken message was that Real Americans can't add --and worse, that they don't need to. It was apparently overlooked by most of us that most of the people who look like Real Americans are either actors paid to work out in the gym and look grimy in advertisements for trucks real Real Americans can no longer afford, or steel workers sweating in China.
It's a wonder, and perhaps a sign of divine intervention for which we should be eternally grateful, that although we did not get the right answer, we did get an answer that includes most of the numbers.
