Caffeine
Ah, caffeine.
So my caffeine of choice at this point of my life is a large/double/grande mocha (the adjective depends upon where you get it). For many people, the mocha is too sweet, too much milk, etc. For me, it's like dessert in the morning with a nice buzz to it, so it really fits the bill all the way around. (Boy, would my daughter be upset and start demanding dessert in the morning if I described it that way to her.)
Like you care about my history of caffeine, but here goes:
For some years as a kid, caffeine of choice was in cola form (Coke or Pepsi, though I do still enjoy an RC when I can get it). This is how we start our young folks on the path to caffeine - and this is how I started as well. Then I went through a kick for a few years where I shunned soda of all forms in the name of health and eating better. And then I came back to cola. Fountain sodas were (and continue to be) my favorite way to drink cola.
Then came a cross-country road trip in 1988. And that's where coffee entered my life, almost twenty years ago (I was realizing with a shock this morning).
It was a quintessential road trip in a lot of ways: weeks on the road, in a VW van (no kidding), just two guys, camping by the side of the road most of the time. My friend smoked, and I started smoking, too. When you're eight to ten hours on the road, driving for days on end, well, there's music, there's scenery, and there's smoking. That's about it.
There's a line in Wim Wenders' 'Wings of Desire', beautifully voiced as only Peter Falk could: 'To smoke, and have coffee - and if you do it together, it's fantastic.' I had seen the film when it was released in 1987, and here I was in 1988 and by God, Peter Falk was right - it was fantastic! (I've long since quit.)
So that's where the coffee - road coffee, diner coffee, any kind of coffee - came in. It was around this time that my dad remarked to me: 'Coffee - ugh. It's like drinking dirty black water.' And you know, Dad was right about that one - certainly with the coffee I was drinking at the time.
I must admit that there was no small measure of romance and comfort in it, given the situation and the setting.
First thing I did when I got back home was to buy a coffeemaker.
Then I really started experimenting with large doses of caffeine (in the form of coffee). Two double espressos? No problem. Going for another one? Sure. Have a pot of coffee instead of dinner? What a great idea! Cheap, filling and highly productive!
It was quite exciting because I had the metabolism (and I suppose natural good health) of a person in their early 20s, and so could handle it, or at least recover from it quickly. And it was such a cool feeling! (I produced at least two poems specifically about coffee, and who knows how many other poems on other topics were fueled by coffee.)
After a year or two, I moderated a little bit into simply daily coffee drinking - two cups a day every day, made at home. I distinctly remember a friend of ours visiting and tasting our home-made coffee and remarking, 'People who make their own coffee always make it really strong.' I didn't think it was that strong - particularly that batch - but obviously by then I'd lost all perspective on it.
When my income started to improve, I started getting into higher-end coffee, or at least higher-end for me: Starbucks and other coffee shop coffee on a regular basis. Now to me, that was strong coffee, at least compared to how I had been making it. Sometimes it was truly like a 16-ounce espresso - really strong, almost thick. I'm surprised my stomach survived that period of my coffee drinking.
From straight black coffee (I felt like such a purist), I started to move into the espresso drinks: lattes at first, and then into the mochas that I drink now.
I'm a runner - and I know I'm NOT one of those runners who perform better on caffeine. And so, in preparation for past races, I've given up caffeine altogether in order to perform and feel better. Physically, I just feel better and more relaxed without caffeine. But I always go back to drinking caffeine (and specifically coffee) after the race is over.
From quitting many times before, I know I'm not physically addicted - I don't really get the headaches and all that stuff. It does take a week or two for all of the caffeine to get out of my system. And once I'm there, it's fairly easy to maintain. I feel relaxed and calmer. But there's that little voice that will eventually pop up and say 'Mmmmmmmm...coffee!', and soon enough I'm back. It's so entirely psychological, and I can see it so clearly, it's a little pathetic.
But this is where I go back and forth with myself on occasion - and I'm having one of those moments lately. I really do like good coffee - I like how it tastes and I like the nice buzz you get. I've come to really dislike colas - they've become too chemical-y and, frankly, simply too much caffeine for me (though that doesn't stop me from overdoing caffeine occasionally anyway).
But I also know, from past experience, that when I'm off caffeine, I have an overall better life.
I'm sure there's a balance in here somewhere - or one side or the other wins. Do I give it up completely, or do I turn into the total caffeine freak? For me, at times, there seems to be no moderation. I haven't reached any conclusion just yet.
But maybe I'm being to hard or strict on myself. I'll just confess to you that, yes, I love coffee - the taste, the feeling, and, likely, the romance (he said, taking a sip of his mocha). There could be much worse things.
