SunOS man pages: A womanwriter's Perspective

You know that your blog is popular when multiple people comment that you haven't posted an entry in awhile. They tell me they miss it, and wonder "just when I'll be back." I guess that's a good thing.

But I do feel a little guilty. While I try to post a blog entry each week, sometimes things real life just gets too busy. I have a fair bundle of energy, but even I can't keep up.

I've mentioned that I'm not ashamed or apologetic about the fact that my real life takes priority over my Second Life. In real life there have been man pages to write ... remember that I really am a writer in the SunOS man page group, and between writing my blog, playing in Second Life, attending meetings, and various other initiatives and committees that I'm a part of ... I've still got to get those man page deliveries out the door.

I'm not one to blog about my personal life, but I will tell you that my very wonderful, fourteen year old, yellow labrador retriever has had a few more health challenges than usual this month. She's been a major, and not fun, distraction. After two stays at the pet hospital, and, I really don't remember how many visits to the vet, she's home and on the mend.

But my Second Life is ramping up this next week. On Tuesday, April 29, Sun is hosting a "Sun Employees Connect in Second Life" day. The Information Products Group (IPG) is one of about fifteen confirmed information booths at the event. I'll be one of the three avatars "avataring" the booth and providing information about our information products and the sites where we post our information. How cool is that? My avatar even gets a tee shirt!

Later in the week, in real life, I'm part of a team that is presenting a Brown Bag on Second Life at Sun. We have a screencast of our IPG Tour of Sun's Second Life islands and pavilions. We'll talk about Second Life, virtual worlds, and its possibilities. It should be a very informative talk.

The following week, again in real life, I'll be at CommunityOne and quite possibly, JavaOne. Whew! It is busy around here!

So, faithful readers, stay tuned for more reflections and Second Life adventures. It might be another week or so, but I promise I'll be back in fine form.

Remember, if I didn't have a real life, I wouldn't be any good at all reflecting on my second one. And we do know at the end of any day, I'd rather be living in real life and getting wrinkles. Mick Jagger inspires me!

There's something creepy about avatars. According to Wikipedia, an avatar is a "user or player's virtual identity," or the "graphical representation of a user."

Avatars are the complete opposite of real. At some level, avatars indulge people's passion to be forever young, beautiful, skinny, and visually appealing. Some people spend, what I believe to be, an inordinate amount of time and energy cultivating picture perfect avatars. After they get done constructing killer bodies, they spend even more time acquiring sensational outfits. It's shocking to me how many outfits some avatars have in their inventory.

Consider it the virtual equivalent of cosmetic surgery, a makeover, and a major shopping spree without the real life pain, trouble, or expense. An extension of what's become the all too common American quest for physical perfection and youth.

It never was my thing.

Contrast this to the very real appearance of The Rolling Stones' Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Ronnie Wood, and Charlie Watts in their movie, Shine A Light, released last week.

Mick Jagger looks every bit the age of sixty-three, precisely the age that he was when the film was shot in 2006. While Jagger truly exemplifies the expression, "he's got a lot of miles on him," he's lean, mean, and offers as excellent a performance as he ever has. He moves about the stage and works the audience with charisma, excitement, stamina, and charm. At any age, let alone sixty-three, all of us should be so lucky.

You could make the argument that Keith Richards looks the worst of them all. He's impossibly thin and his skin sags. You'd be correct to think that he looks just plain "out of it," but as he leans into his guitar and plays music, you know that's not the case. With the music, his face comes alive with focus, boyish excitement, and bliss. We should all have a job which we love so much.

Ronnie Wood and drummer Charlie Richards offer a solid and excellent performance. Both are authentic and no avatar wannabes, but Shine A Light is really Jagger's and Richards' show.

Age defies The Rolling Stones. The wrinkles on their faces attest to lives well lived, just as the way in which they ignite the crowds at The Beacon Theater attests to years of experience thrilling innumerable fans with their music.

Which gets me back to the subject of avatars. My avatar looks no different today than the day she was "born." She's wearing the same clothes and not a hair is out of place. Her adventures in Second Life have not changed her one bit. Somehow I find that very sad.

There's an inherent beauty that comes from living. Skin sags, wrinkles surface, we gain or lose weight, and people just don't "look as good," and to most, that would mean, "young," as they used to. That's just the way it is. Why would anyone want to mess with it?

Admittedly, it's a strange twist on perfection, but I'd rather go the way of The Stones. They've had the pleasure of performing for forty plus years. They continue to thrill their audience with world class rock and roll. Their job brings them a sense of joy and purpose that many strive to find but few ever do.

No matter how many martinis my avatar downs in Club Tinki Winki she'll never get drunk. She'll never be worse for the wear of her travels to places like Vassar's Sistine Chapel and the Second Life Eiffel Tower. She can stay up all night and never get or look tired.

But she'll never have the experience of attending a world class rock concert or the pleasure of listening to "Jumpin Jack Flash" at peak volume.

I'm not giving up on Second Life or my avatar. But Mick Jagger reminds me that youthful perfection can be achieved by accepting your age, living life, doing what you love, and rolling with it. I don't think that most self-respecting avatars would agree with that. Given how good most avatars look, they certainly wouldn't go for the consequences.

It's not the first time that I've disagreed with the avatars.

Back to the Stones' movie. Last week I saw the movie at a regular theater, tomorrow night, I'm off to see it at the IMAX. The volume at the regular theater just wasn't loud enough. A true Stones fan knows exactly what I'm talking about. The Stones are all about live and loud.

And forget the people who mention that it's not good to listen to loud music because it will hurt your hearing. Life is meant to be lived, and watching a Rolling Stones movie in anything less than really loud just isn't living right. I'd bet that Mick Jagger would get it.

Most avatars would never understand. Then again, what do they know? Avatars don't even get wrinkles.

Sometimes even avatars get bored.

My Second Life avatar is suffering from "island fever," Second Life Sun Islands Fever to be exact. As you've probably surmised, my avatar spends most of her Second Life on the Sun islands. I've graduated from staring at the Second Life ocean, to socializing and drinking coconut drinks in Sun's Club Tinki Winki, playing on the beach, and attending lectures or events. Still, I'm finding life on the Sun Islands a bit confining.

It's nothing personal against the Sun islands, which really are quite nice. I'd imagine that I'd feel similarly in real life if I lived in Hawaii.

The few times that I've ventured outside of the Sun Islands, I've not ended up in what I'd consider to be interesting or comfortable places. Second Life shopping malls and encounters with weird avatars don't do it for me. I'm looking for something different.

Back in real life it's that time of year again. American colleges and universities are in the process of sending out their acceptance letters for the fall. The national college reply date is May 1st. I'm long past my college days, but I'm especially conscious of the whole college admissions process as the children of some friends and relatives are part of it this year. I'm also an alumni interviewer for my undergraduate institution, Vassar College, so I've had the opportunity to meet with some local high school seniors over the past few months. Last night I called several folks that I'd interviewed to congratulate them on their acceptance to Vassar.

In my real life subconscious, I must have been thinking about colleges, because this morning, I woke up with a college-related Second Life idea: I'd go visit some educational institutions in Second Life! It was such an intriguing thought that I logged in to Second Life before I even finished my morning espresso. I entered "Vassar College" into the Second Life search window and requested a teleport to Vassar's virtual campus.

Fortunate for me and for readers of my blog that Vassar was among the earliest colleges to explore the educational potential of Second Life. They have an amazingly well-developed Second Life campus. Like the real life Vassar campus, the architecture is diverse and engaging. There are lots of trees and it is beautifully landscaped. I don't think that my comfort level and impression with Vassar's virtual campus is related to my alumni status.

The campus is open to anyone, and I'd encourage folks to go and visit. As avatar Oothoon Ogg posted on a Vassar Second Life bulletin board, "I love what you have done. It is the next best thing to being there." I have to say that I agree with him (or her). With a name like "Oothoon," you just don't know.

After walking around the virtual campus for a bit, I decided to take the ubiquitous college tour. I sat down in a what looked to be a chariot and flew around for my own private tour of the two Vassar islands. As the chariot flew around, words streamed across my computer screen introducing me to various landmarks on the virtual campus. It was an amazing tour, though I have to say I was impressed with the fact that only 212 avatars had taken advantage of it since May 5, 2007.

From what I see in the press, I'd guess that it's a minority of Second Life avatars who'd choose to fly around on chariots checking out virtual college campuses. It's certainly not the first time that I've felt that I'm just not like other avatars!

After the chariot ride, I decided to go to the Sistine Chapel. No, I wasn't off on a quick trip to The Vatican. Rather, I was off to Vassar's virtual re-creation of the Sistine Chapel in Second Life. I'd seen and heard about this on the tour and wanted to visit it up close.

As I approached the chapel, I encountered something that I'd never seen in Second Life. A sign explained that to enter the Sistine Chapel I had to agree to a "Code of Conduct." The Code of Conduct required me to agree that my avatar would behave in the same way as she would in real life, "with respect for the environment as well as for those visiting the environment." And, better yet, "Any misconduct will result in banishment from Vassar Island as well as in a report to Linden Labs." I was pleased to agree to this Code of Conduct, and also to see that Vassar incorporated high standards of avatar behavior for its virtual Sistine Chapel.

The Vassar re-creation was developed by Steve Taylor, Department of Computing and Information Services at Vassar. Taylor developed it, in part, to illustrate (so to speak!) the educational potential and opportunities afforded by Second Life and "how virtual reality might be used to learn about art and architecture." The images used to re-create the chapel are from photographs, all used with permissions from various distributors. It is built of more than 500 prisms and more than 200 different textures.

The actual re-creation left me nothing short of speechless, which my real life friends will attest that I don't get very often. The rendering is remarkably realistic, with the opportunity to study the chapel up close and personal without real life crowds. It's incredible. Listed in Wikipedia as one of the Top 20 Educational Locations in Second Life, Vassar and Taylor certainly have created something very special.

After exploring the Sistine Chapel, I decided that it was time to return to real life. Reflecting on the experience, I discovered a few important things this morning:

• My avatar is turning out to be better behaved than I was willing to give her credit for.
• There are some striking educational opportunities in virtual realities, though I haven't entirely framed my thinking around them as yet.
• Even in Second Life, you need to get outside of your comfort zone (which, in my case, was the Sun Islands), to gain a broader perspective.

OK, so maybe the title of this blog entry isn't quite right. "Life in the Virtual Playpen" also comes to mind. But I like the dollhouse analogy better.

Perhaps, some of you say, I'm in a particularly flip and sarcastic mood. But maybe I'm not. And, just maybe I have a point. Let's hear it for thinking out of the box, playpen, dollhouse, or whatever you want to call it. But it's often when you think outside of the box that you come up with some really interesting and good ideas.

You guessed it. I'm talking about one of my favorite work-related topics: Second Life and virtual worlds.

About a month ago, I came up with this analogy:

Playing in a dollhouse is to a child
as
playing in Second Life is to an adult.

For those of you who think that I might have totally lost my mind, as well as my faithful readers that are still with me, let's keep going.

First of all, I have a lot of respect for dollhouses. As a child, I played with dollhouses for years. We still have two dollhouses at my house. Some toys are just too good to give away, and dollhouses are one of them. I've even considered making myself a "grown up dollhouse," you know, one of those dollhouses with electricity and real bone china. In terms of actual dolls, I am the proud owner of two discreet doll collections: one of international dolls dressed in traditional costumes and another of vintage Barbie dolls. As I write this, I am even more confused about my complete lack of interest in my avatar's appearance and outfits, given my fascination with dolls and doll clothes.

When I taught kindergarten and preschool all of my classrooms had dollhouses. Growing up, my two daughters played with dollhouses. In my developmental psychology classes, I extensively studied the topic of play. So, while some readers of my blog might view dollhouse play as fluff, rest assured that I don't.

When a child plays in a dollhouse, he/she creates an imaginary character using a doll. The child moves the doll around the dollhouse, acting out the role of the character that he/she has created. In psychology and education circles, this is called role playing. Role playing is one of the oldest educational methods, and has been successfully employed in educational and psychological settings for years.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist, which, fortunately, I'm not, to see the similarities between a doll and an avatar. It easily follows to see the connection between the dollhouse and a virtual world such as Second Life.

While I like the analogy and think it is a good one, there's probably a reason that I made the analogy over a month ago and have yet to blog about it. The analogy brings up more questions than answers, and quite frankly, I don't have any of the answers, just more questions.

• What is the significance of the role playing that people are doing in Second Life?
• Has something in our culture changed that is attracting people to playing in a virtual worlds, or is the opportunity afforded by virtual worlds the driving force behind people's wanting to play in them?
• It's been said that Americans work too hard and don't play enough. Is Second Life a way to interject more "play" into our lives?

The above are really loaded questions. Some days I wish I were back in graduate school where I could discuss the answers to such questions with a bunch of academic types on a regular basis. But those days are long gone ... at least in my real life, and I can assure you that I am not going back to school in my second one. As I struggle to come up with my own answers, I often find myself straddling a great divide, which really, if I think about it, shakes down to nothing more than the real vs. virtual sides of the fence. As fascinating as virtual worlds are, I'm finding that I'm a real world kind of gal.

I still can't get past being able to touch the outfits and comb the hair of my real life dolls, and to play amongst the furnishings in a real life dollhouse. Avatars and pixelated scenes just don't do it for me.

At the end of the day, maybe it comes down to nothing more than that?

I apologize to those faithful readers of my blog who have been without a new entry for almost two weeks.

In my real life, I've been busy, and I'm not sorry to say that my real life takes priority over my second one.

For those readers wanting the update on the presentations, and more specifically, how my avatar performed in them, here's the scoop. The "in world" part of the presentations was postponed. My avatar has the benefit of a few more weeks of practice. How lucky was that?

Meanwhile, back in real life, I have several activities that are related to virtual worlds about which I can report.

To kick off last week, one of my co-workers purchased the latest issue of Bitch Magazine for me. She knew that I'd been dying to get hold of Issue 39, the Spring Wired Issue, and had been having trouble securing it. Getting my hands on the magazine made my last Monday work day.

For those readers who are unfamiliar with Bitch Magazine, it's a non-profit, independent magazine that bills itself as the "feminist response to pop culture." Yes, I know it's a great name for a magazine, and I did enjoy the shock value of having my personal copy to trot around the office.

However, the real reason that I was so anxious to get hold of that magazine was because I knew there was an article in it about Second Life. The article, "Same Shit, Different World," by Lauren Bans, a freelance writer in Brooklyn, New York, is a total winner. Unfortunately, the article is not yet online, but when it does appear on the Bitch website, I promise a pointer to it in my blog. Aside from the wonderful title, Ms. Bans' article is well researched, beautifully written and engaging. Among other things it discusses the social politics of Second Life. I'm following up on the research that she cites, and will report on it in another blog entry. For those of you who can't wait, you can try to secure a copy of Bitch and this article at your local bookstore.

Later in the week, I attended a part of the "Gendered Innovations in Science and Engineering" conference, sponsored by the Clayton Institute for Gender Research at Stanford. I attended a panel discussion on "Women in Gaming and Virtual Worlds," where I became better acquainted with the research on gender issues in virtual worlds. I was particularly taken with the research of Shari Graner Ray, the Executive Chair of Women in Games International. She got me thinking more critically about women in the gaming world ... everything from how women play and are perceived in computer games to what their avatars look like.

The more that I learn about avatars, the more I think that my avatar might need an upgrade. So far, I've only afforded her the modifications of breast reduction and weight gain. All this with the unskilled movement of a slider in the Second Life appearance editor. I'm conflicted and confused with the fact that I even care enough about my avatar to entertain thoughts of additional changes to her personal appearance.

One of my real life brothers mentioned that this conflict, could, in fact, be a consequence of having an open mind. He might have a point. I shake my head, and note that I still haven't modified any more of her features. How long this will last, I just don't know.

I'm starting to get nervous.

A few days ago, my MacBook Pro arrived. I made the call to increase the speed of my home DSL. My bandwidth has since doubled. Except for the, "I'm just getting used to my new computer" routine, I'm running out of real life excuses for my avatar's Second Life performance.

The timing couldn't have been better. Or not.

You see, next week I have not one, but two presentations, both of them about Second Life. The first presentation is a short overview of Second Life at our Director's staff meeting. Later that day, we are doing a Brown Bag presentation for the folks in our organization at Sun. In at least one of the presentations, we'll go live from Second Life, where, you guessed it, a real life audience will have the opportunity to see my avatar.

I'm doing the presentation with several of my real life colleagues, all of whom participate in Second Life with me. As if these colleagues weren't good enough in real life, they have become my Second Life saviors. I just can't imagine my Second Life without them.

One of them is a Sun Second Life mentor, and he has helped me out of more than a few Second Life sticky situations. He's worked with me one on one, and showed me how to unpack boxes, try on clothes, and practice flying. He explained what happened when an object that I left while playing in the sandbox showed up in the Lost and Found. He's teleported me to more places than I can count. He's helped to clarify issues related to my computer and the purchase of a new one. His Second Life prowess is better than any real life person or Second Life avatar I know. I think that it's fair to say that the rest of my avatar friends and I would be suffering in Second Life without him. We're grateful for his real life and Second Life technical expertise and friendship.

When I go to Second Life events, often the avatars of these colleagues go with me. When I had troubles at the Sun Facebook presentation last week, these avatars were there. They sympathized with my inability to find a seat. They understood my deepest feelings about standing on that bench and why I logged out of Second Life in frustration and embarrassment. Again, these real life people and their corresponding avatars are a source of support and kindness.

Earlier this week, when we were practicing "in-world," (and that would be "in Second Life"), for our presentation, my last week's nightmare of standing on top of another avatar came true. It happened when I was teleported to the same location as one of my avatar friends. She was teleported first, and, when she arrived, didn't move out of the way fast enough. When I arrived several seconds later, I landed right on top of her.

My friend didn't get mad at me. We both laughed. Really hard. Of course, the laughter occurred in real life, because in Second Life neither of us knows how to laugh, at least not at the right time. And delayed laughs can be really wrong. Even in Second Life.

Which, leads me back to my performance anxiety and those presentations next week. My slides are ready. I pretty much know what I'm going to say. I'm going to talk about research on avatars and virtual realities. With my psychology background, I find this to be very interesting stuff. I'm prepared and comfortable with the subject matter. I don't mind standing up in front of people and talking.

Then, what's the problem, or the performance issue, you ask?

It's about my Second Life avatar and the live from Second Life part of the presentation. Never mind that my avatar has a very simple role, she doesn't even have to move very much. I'm not going to spoil it by telling you exactly what my avatar does in the presentation. I will tell you that she is somewhere fun and social, and for those who know me in real life, you'll be relieved that I have not sacrificed any real life principles for the sake of corporate showmanship. I'm not even wearing fancy clothes.

I'm just stressed out about her behavior, or the potential lack of it in front of all those people. Anxious enough that I'm sure that I'll return to that Second Life venue to practice multiple times between now and Wednesday, with the hope of minimizing the chances of my avatar making a virtual fool out of herself next week.

My emotional safety net is relieved that our real life colleague, the Sun Second Life mentor with the technical prowess, will be in the room with us. He'll assist with the technical issues and can help naughty avatars who get into trouble. He's flying up from southern California for the presentations. We didn't even have to beg him to come. He just knew it was the right thing to do.

With the exception of one of our colleagues, who will be working with us from her office in Australia, the rest of my real world colleagues will be right there with me. We'll all have our laptops and operate our own avatars in Second Life from the same room. I'm comforted that almost all of us will be physically in the same place.

In more ways than one, my experience in Second Life is consistent with the research. Noshir Contractor, who studies social networks, has found that when players in virtual worlds need help, they typically turn to players that they already know or had worked with in the past.

My real world colleagues and I have been through a lot in our real world work life. It only follows that we'd develop an even stronger bond as we explore the virtual world. It helps.

Still, as we know, performance matters. Alot.

The fact remains that next week, during part of the presentation, many eyes will be on my avatar. Between now and then, I'm working really hard to ensure that she behaves. My friends assure me that even if she doesn't, it'll be OK.

I've mentioned before that I have a really nice circle of avatar friends. And the good news is, they'll support me no matter what trouble my avatar gets into on Wednesday. It doesn't get any better than that. But that doesn't mean I'm still not nervous.

There's a saying out there:

"It's all based on performance."

And, as much as I'm a process sort of gal, I've got to confess, at the end of the day, performance is where it's at. Performance matters.

This may be one reason why my Second Life avatar causes me stress. And anxiety. I've already mentioned that in my real life, among other things, I collect etiquette books. I also used to teach kindergarten. I pride myself with knowing proper behavior and just the right thing to do in social situations. My Second Life avatar meets very few of my real life standards for socialization and good manners. In short, her performance is lousy. And this bothers me. A lot.

Sure, my avatar looks good enough. She may not be the most beautiful avatar in the virtual world, but she is not an eye sore. She doesn't have fancy clothes, largely because the woman behind the avatar, and that would be me, doesn't have the Second Life time and interest to devote towards outfitting her with an exciting and extensive wardrobe. As they say in real life, "I'd rather be shopping at Nordstrom's." And not the virtual one.

My avatar spends most of her Second Life time with small groups of avatar friends. She also spends a lot of time on a balcony on one of the Sun islands, gazing out at the Second Life ocean. Simple things for a simple avatar. I'm totally OK with that.

Come to think about it, it's kind of like my avatar is in kindergarten. Only in avatar kindergarten, the skills are slightly different than real life kindergarten. My avatar is just learning, but not yet proficient at, communication, gestures, dressing herself, and moving around without running into walls, or worse yet, other avatars. As long as she's by herself, or in the company of other "young" avatars, she's just fine. And, just like it should be in kindergarten, my avatar "feels good about herself."

But just because my avatar has the benefit of a positive self-concept, it does not mean that she is ready for major parts of the big, wide virtual world. Here's where the stress and anxiety comes in. It bothers me that she is a socially inexperienced avatar, and can't move easily about the entire Second Life world. She's just not ready. Worse than that, I have no clue as to when, if ever, she will be.

Consider this unfortunate situation. One of my avatar friends invited my avatar to a Q&A session about Sun in Virtual Worlds last Friday. The event was sponsored by Sun Facebook Fridays and Sun in Second Life. In real life, this is the kind of stuff I love, attending an event with friends. Yet, as interested as I was in attending, I hesitated. I just wasn't sure that my avatar was up to the challenge. My friends encouraged me. It didn't matter that my avatar didn't have business attire or that she was a little socially inept. I was assured that all would be fine.

Before we go any further, let me tell you a bit about my computer. I run Second Life on a Mac iBook G4, and I won't bore you (or myself) with the technical specifications of the machine. I will tell you that it meets all the required technical specifications for running Second Life, but not the recommended ones. When it runs Second Life, it's slow. Very slow. And hot.

So slow, that when I encounter a complicated Second Life landscape to render, it takes a painfully long time for it to come into view. My Mac also gets so hot when I run Second Life that I should be using a chill pad, which, so far I've been too lazy to purchase. I have a MacBook Pro on order, which will arrive in several weeks.

Then there is the bandwidth problem. My home DSL bandwidth is too low to effectively do Second Life. I need a faster rate and am in the process of getting one.

My real life tech friends assure me that the arrival of the MacBook Pro will greatly enhance my Second Life. The down side of the new computer is that once I solve the computer performance issues, it'll really be all up to me and my avatar.

Back to the Facebook event. It's Friday morning at the appointed time. I login and confidently teleport to the correct Sun building. No one was there. Alas, I was lost, and I couldn't find the conference room. Not to worry. Help from one of the Sun mentors was only an IM and teleport away. I arrived at the entrance to the conference room and immediately spotted one of my avatar friends. She wasn't wearing anything but her hair. Even though this was my avatar friend who had previously lost her hair, I know that she always wears clothes. As my avatar stood in disbelief, my friend's clothes gradually appeared.

As I slowly maneuvered my avatar into the conference room, I realized that I was having major performance issues. The crowded conference room came into view very slowly, finally showing me a large room full of naked avatars sitting around on benches waiting for the presentation to begin. As the avatars, one by one, acquired their clothes, I moved my avatar in the direction of an empty seat.

Finding an empty seat in that conference room proved to be more difficult than learning to fly at the Sun avatar obstacle course. With every move that my avatar made, the conference room redrew itself on my screen. The screen redraw rate was abysmal, making it virtually impossible to adequately judge where an empty bench was, never mind sit down on it.

In the course of what was probably only 5 real life minutes, I royally embarrassed myself and my avatar. First of all, my avatar tried to sit down on a bench between two avatars only to be told (by Second Life, not the sitting avatars) that the bench was "full." One of my avatar friends has since told me that he thought I was being very assertive trying to sit down in that particular spot. "Assertive," no. "Desperate," yes. After being refused a spot on the bench between my friends, I found another bench.

The bench was empty and I was relieved. But not for long. The problem with the empty bench was that I maneuvered my avatar onto the top of the bench, which was not the proper position from which to execute the "sit down" command. So, there I stood, on top of the bench, in this crowded conference room, for what seemed like eternity. I obsessed about exactly how to move my avatar off the bench, to a position where I could execute the sit down command and safely and inobtrusively sit down on the bench and listen to the presentation, which by the way, (and it further embarrasses me to admit this), had already started. I was terrified to move my avatar for fear that she'd end up in an even worse position than she was already in. She was already standing on top of a bench. What if I moved her to a position where she was standing on top of another avatar? Without a doubt, that would be much worse.

The anxiety was killing me. It was then that I decided to take the easy way out. I simply logged out of Second Life. For those in the Sextans conference room, I'd guess that I just disappeared. For me, I returned to real life, where I am familiar with the rules, environment, and social expectations. I felt a huge sense of relief.

Sadly, I didn't leave my Second Life humiliation back in Second Life. I called one of my real life tech friends to tell him of my mortifying Second Life experience. He explained that between the limitations of my current computer, home internet service, and the complexity of the graphics required to render the presentation in the conference room, it was no wonder that I was having difficulty. There were serious computer performance issues, soon to be solved by my new MacBook Pro and faster DSL.

So, for the next several weeks, I can attribute at least part of my avatar's inept behavior to the poor performance of the computer and internet service that operates her. But once the MacBook Pro arrives and I get the new DSL, it's all over.

Or just maybe, it's all beginning. The tech folks assure me that the new computer will make it easier for me to control my avatar. Assuming that that happens, she really will behave better. I have high hopes that this will happen, given that when I tried flying in Second Life from my friend's more powerful computer, I was much more successful.

Getting back to the title of this blog entry, performance really does matter. I can whine all I want about my computer and DSL, but the bottom line is, my avatar couldn't sit down on that bench, and she looked like an idiot at that presentation.

Excuses were never one of my strong suits. High expectations have been known to cause me more than a little anxiety. Rest assured that I'm working on my avatar's performance issues. She may never be the most fashionable avatar on the virtual block but that's not who I want her to be. But I do expect that she'll be able to travel about and attend events without making a fool of herself and causing a spectacle.

She's already a really nice avatar. One who's easy to chat with and fun to be around. She has a good circle of avatar friends. That's important stuff. There's no question that she has some behavior issues. We're working on that.

But, everyone, even an avatar, eventually graduates from kindergarten. And, as I used to tell the parents of my kindergarten students who thought that their kids would never make it, "it just takes some of us longer than others." Even avatars.

A few weeks ago, one of my Second Life friends lost her hair. You laugh. And so did she, as well as every other real life person that heard the story. It was particularly touching, and equally funny, when her hair showed up in the Second Life Lost and Found. My friend was able to get her hair back.

But seriously, how nice is that? Some upstanding avatar found something that didn't belong to him or her, and, rather than stealing it, simply returned it to its rightful owner by placing it in the Lost and Found.

Stories like this warm my heart. Then again, I used to be a kindergarten teacher. Sharing, playing fair, taking time for milk and cookies, being nice, living a balanced life, and doing the right thing, which would include returning lost things to their rightful owner, are among life's most important and basic lessons.

I'm happy to report that this was not an isolated event. This past weekend, I received an email notifying me that one of my Second Life "objects" had been found on a beach, and had been returned to the Lost and Found. Turns out that I left behind a box while playing in the Sun sandbox, which was subsequently found and returned. Again, how nice.

So, amidst the stories of avatar fleecing, terrorists, corporate espionage, and attacks that I've talked about in other entries of this blog, there are good things happening in Second Life.

And that should please all of us, even if we never taught kindergarten.

I have very fond memories of my paternal grandfather. We called him Pappy. When I was little, he would read me stories and take my brothers and me to play miniature golf. He always took movies of us at Christmas. Once, when I was older, he took me to The Steel Pier in Atlantic City to see the diving horses.

Yes, Pappy was my grand dad, but he was also an intelligent and very wise man. He started off running a candy store and put himself through law school, all the time working to support his young family. He had a long career as an attorney. In his later years, he and my grandmother traveled the world. They were very enlightened, progressive, and interesting people.

Yet, I remember, as Pappy aged, he got grumpier. He lost his patience sometimes, especially when the world didn't work in the way to which he'd become accustomed. For my progressive grand dad, change become difficult. Of the many memories that I have of Pappy, talking about the changes in the world and his growing frustration and inability to understand them are fresh and vivid. They rival the memories of the miniature golf games and even the diving horses. I've always been an analytical kind of gal, so that stuff means a lot to me. I feel so fortunate to remember.

When I happen upon an article such as the one in yesterday's New York Times, I am reminded of of my grandfather, Pappy. I deemed the article so weird that even I had a hard time putting it into perspective. What would Pappy think of this article portraying the world almost 30 years later?

Check it out, in yesterday's New York Times, The Job Interview, Starring Your Avatar. The New York Times was one of Pappy's favorite newpapers. If Pappy were still alive, he'd for sure have read the article. But, let's forget Pappy for just a minute.

The article begins:

"As far as job interviews go, my recent meeting with Sandy Gould was anything but ordinary."

Moving right along, the article describes an actual job interview that took place in Second Life. Think about it. It takes avatar creation and fashion to a whole new level. Everyone in the real world gives at least a little thought to dressing appropriately for a job interview. In real life, you have many years to develop and refine your style for a variety of occasions, job interviews being one of them. Getting up to business avatar speed is a whole new thing. At least at this point, most of us haven't had the benefit of years of studying avatar fashion.

Then, there's what I call, "avatar behavior." Maybe my expectations are too high? After all, in real life, I collect etiquette books. But, I do believe if my avatar is going to go out in the virtual world, she needs to have a minimum level of appropriate behavior and social graces. Then again, in real life, I've always had high expectations. I've been told that I should relax my standards for the virtual world. This is not easy for me.

The article goes on to talk about Multi-User Virtual Environments (MUVEs), and the fact that some employers have acquired (think: "bought") virtual space, called "islands," in the virtual world. Such companies are using their islands for "real world" meetings, including recruiting job candidates.

Shedding a bit of perspective on Sun Microsystem's Second Life presence, our facilities include six islands, some of which are "private," for employees only, and some of which are "public," where we host events. I've not heard of Sun doing job interviews in Second Life, but I know we hosted an Eco-Summit there a while back. I've heard that Sun's Second Life facilities are better than most. Compared to several other Second Life establishments that I've visited, I'd agree with that assessment.

Getting back to the job interview ... Picture the venue: a Second Life Beach, two avatars sitting on chaise lounges, the waves crashing, crabs skittering in the sand. The interviewer, Mr. Gould, wearing a Superman costume. In response to a question about overcoming professional challenges, the interviewee performing a hula dance. For the curious, I note that this interview was not for the position of a hula dancer. At the end of the interview, the avatars shook hands, and Mr. Gould flew away.

In my real life, I've interviewed for many a job, but none of my interviews have been anything like that one. And, when I hear of Second Life job fairs, that include employers such as Hewlett-Packard, Microsoft, Verizon Communications, and Sodexho, a food and facilities management services company, I get just a little bit perplexed. And scared.

And grumpy. Just like Pappy would have been. The basic problem is that Pappy was well into his 70s when he got that way. I'm much younger than that and still in the work force. I can't afford to let change pass me by.

So what do I do? I continue to learn about virtual realities and look for opportunities for corporations to best function in them. I wonder about new methods for documentation deliveries and monetization in the virtual world. I take note of where one can acquire free Second Life business clothes for avatars, in case I ever need them.

And in the meantime, my avatar spends a lot of time on the Sun islands, staring out at the Second Life ocean, thinking about things that she never dreamed of. Of course, all this is happening inside of a cartoon head that may or may not be capable of dreaming. My avatar exists in a world that the woman behind her would have never dreamed up, much less imagined that she'd be part of. It's all part of my strange new reality.

Pappy would not have understood this new reality, and chances are it would have made him very grumpy. But he'd have been really proud that his only grand daughter was traveling to new places. After all, when Pappy was my age, he really loved to travel.

Though the message arrived via email, I could hear the fervor in my friend, Richard's written voice. Email is funny that way. The perceived intensity reminded me of another episode, just yesterday, when one of my work friends flung open the door to my office, exclaiming, "You're supporting Obama?" with the intensity of a die-hard Hillary man.

But Richard's message wasn't about the heated race for the Democratic presidential nomination. It was about my Second Life, which he is struggling to understand in a way that many of my non-tech friends are. Of course, my non-tech friends, don't have the monopoly on virtual world skepticism. Many of my tech friends, and even I, sometimes don't get this Second Life thing either. Richard represents a group of my real life friends who follow my blog, and are simultaneously miffed and intrigued by it. As a consequence, when people see real world articles or references to virtual worlds, they think of me. I get lots of good information this way.

So, just what did Richard's email say? Like Richard, the email was somewhat cynical, very direct, and to-the-point. "So, are you helping the terrorists?" This one line was followed by a link to an article in The Washington Post, Spies' Battleground Turns Virtual.

The article starts off ...

"U.S. intelligence officials are cautioning that popular Internet services that enable computer users to adopt cartoon-like personas in three-dimensional online spaces also are creating security vulnerabilities by opening novel ways for terrorists and criminals to move money, organize and conduct corporate espionage."

This "bad things happen in Second Life" article, reminded me of a conversation that I had in the Second Life Sun Microsystems sandbox (I know...) with a Sun Second Life Mentor the middle of last week. He explained to me that there were "Sandbox Guardians," (think "playground supervisors"), part of whose job it was to keep order in the Sun sandbox. You see, sometimes mean avatars cause trouble in Second Life. Some avatars have armor and shields to help protect them from attacks. I don't have any such items and have no intention of acquiring them. Maybe I'm a Second Life wimp, but I figure, if the going gets tough, I'll just log out! Worst case scenario, my avatar gets killed, and I'll have to create another one.

Finally, as if Richard's and the Sun mentor's warnings weren't enough, one of my real life brothers sent me another scary Second Life article, The Fleecing of the Avatars.

Playing in virtual worlds carries some serious risks. I'm glad that people are looking out for me.

Just as my work friend doesn't really think I'll become a Hillary fan, Richard doesn't really think I'm helping terrorists. But, in the way that good friends do, both these men strengthen intellectual debate and cause me to think more critically about the world. And, when I use the word, world, I really, truly, and even, virtually, mean all of them. Truth be told, the fact that I now think in terms of multiple worlds is pretty scary in and of itself.

Last night, in my real life, I met my first Second Life entrepreneur.

It was a most unlikely encounter. There I was at the Genius Bar at my local Apple Computer Store. One of the geniuses was working on an issue with my iPhone. I'm a fairly sociable real life woman, and before long, another genius and I got into a conversation about computer gaming.

The conversation quickly turned to Second Life, and this genius told me that while he didn't "do" Second Life any more, he had "worked there for several years while he was in college." He had launched a graphic design business and made graphic designs for avatars. Some of the avatars used his designs for their businesses. Some put his graphics on their Second Life clothes.

The avatars paid for his services in the Second Life currency of Linden. During the time that the genius worked in Second Life, he banked his Linden in a Second Life bank, and eventually exchanged his Linden for US dollars. He accumulated enough in US dollars to finance his spending money through college.

This man has since graduated from college, is gainfully employed as a genius at The Apple Store, and no longer chooses to work in Second Life.

I told him of my idea to become a Second Life avatar psychologist. He encouraged me to do it, adding that many avatars "could use the help." While I don't doubt that many avatars could use the help, I'm still unclear if I'm ready or willing to dedicate my Second Life to this calling.

The good news is, if I decide to open a business in Second Life, I now have a real life Second Life business adviser to help me get started. How cool is that?

Years ago, a former colleague in the SunOS man page group dubbed me the "Research Queen."

While I'm not sure that I like the exact title, I'm not at all ashamed by what it conveys. Actually, I'm rather proud of it.

I tend to research topics of interest to death. More than a few people have come to rely on my analysis based on the thorough job that I do. Medical benefits, service providers, air fares, housing, child rearing, schools, voter issues, the list goes on.

Now avatars and virtual realities have been added to the list. Those articles on virtual reality in Stanford Magazine whetted my appetite and opened a whole new real life world. It's an academic and intellectual real life world. I thrive on that stuff. Lucky for me, a lot of it is happening at Stanford, just just a few miles down the road from my real life home.

It's so exciting.

So, now I have a notebook full of avatar and virtual reality research. I've made contact with some of the real life experts in virtual realities, and hope to meet with at least one of them within the next month. I'm poring over articles in scientific and psychological journals in a way that I haven't done since graduate school.

Here are a just a few of the questions that I'm investigating:

• How do online experiences influence offline thinking?
• What are the group dynamics of avatars? How can avatars best work/play together?
• What physical characteristics make an avatar more successful? More approachable? More whatever?
• Do real life social norms, such as personal space exist in virtual worlds?

Let me know if you think of any topics of interest.

As with any new research project, questions and directions change along the way. But, the journey has begun, and, as happens to me at the start of any new journey, I'm energized, inspired, and invigorated.

Perhaps I have turned a really sick corner.

Last Thursday night at 6:30, I logged into Second Life to do a little research.

You see, I'm thinking of opening a Second Life business, and, at the suggestion of one of my real life friends, I decided to do a little Second Life market research. While I was doing my research in the Second Life search window, my avatar was doing what she has become very adept at doing ... staring out at the ocean from the balcony on one of the Sun Second Life Islands.

It was there that the trouble began.

I (or actually my avatar) was approached by a very helpful Sun Second Life Mentor, who asked me if I wanted to attend one of the evening's classes.

I really hadn't intended to spend very much time in Second Life that evening, but one thing led to another, and the next thing I knew, I'd signed on to the class and was learning to fly at the Sun Avatar Obstacle Course.

As I've mentioned before, I've never been a gamer. Some of the avatar manipulation tasks are difficult for me, and flying was the most challenging task yet.

The evening wore on. My daughter from New York called ... "I'm sorry, I'm in a class in Second Life and can't talk to you now. Can I call you back in an hour?" I'm embarrassed to report that I called her back in an hour only to tell her that I was "having trouble learning to fly, and could we talk tomorrow?" How embarrassing.

Two more real life friends called, and, as I did with my daughter, I told them that I'd call them back when I was done with my Second Life class. Fortunately, by virtue of the fact that those friends were in the same time zone, I was able to call them back later that night.

Still, if I think about it too much, I shudder. I actually put off two real life friends and my daughter because I was learning to fly in a fantasy land. What's up with that?

Finally, at 8:45, I told my Sun mentor that I just "had to go for the night." It really was the truth ... I had so much real life stuff to do. Besides, I had to call my two friends back. Without realizing it, over 2 and a quarter hours of my real life night had been consumed with my Second Life.

I still haven't mastered flying, but I confess that I've been back to the Sun Avatar Obstacle Course to practice twice since Thursday.

Thankfully, since Thursday, in my real life, I've done a lot of very cool things that have nothing to do with fantasy worlds. That's the very best part of all.

There are times, in my real life, when I reflect on my Second Life, and think that I've lost my mind. As coincidence in any kind of life would have it, it's often on those days that a mention or an article on Second Life shows up in a mainstream real life publication. Once again, it shakes up my real life perceptions and assumptions about the world.

Take today. Right there on the front page of the The Wall Street Journal: Cheer Up Ben: Your Economy Isn't As Bad as This One. There it was, on page one of that venerable rag of corporate America, The Wall Street Journal. If you're going to talk mainstream, it doesn't get much better than that.

The article focuses on the banking crisis in Second Life, where virtual banks are on the verge of collapse. The affected avatars are frantic, as they should be. Alas, it looks like sometimes even real life problems (and worse) can rear their ugly heads in virtual realities. I really did feel sorry for those avatars. Yet I wondered, couldn't the avatars have prevented this mess? Couldn't they have created a Second Life without real life problems?

But, there was another fact that I found in the article that was even more striking. That fact was buried in a chart depicting the number of "active Second Life avatars" in various countries. It will probably come as no surprise that the United States has the fine distinction of having the highest number of active Second Life avatars in the world: 187,000. Think about that - 187,000 active Second Life avatars in the United States alone. Germany came in second, and the United Kingdom came in third, with 42,000 and 35,000 active Second Life avatars respectively.

In an effort to get my mind around the numbers, I tried to equate the number of 187,000 to the population of a neighboring city, imagining the real life people as avatars. For the purpose of comparison, I found that the nearby (to me) real life city of Palo Alto, California has 61,200 residents. So, the number of active Second Life avatars in the United States is slightly less than three times the real life population of Palo Alto, California. It boggles the mind.

Then again, it might boggle the mind, but there is power in numbers. And, one can't deny that 187,000 represents a lot of avatars.

I've decided to become an real life avatar expert.

The day before yesterday, the latest issue of the Stanford Alumni Association magazine arrived in my real life mailbox.

Mixed in with the bills and a bunch of voter information related to the upcoming California primary, the cover of Stanford Magazine grabbed my attention: Reality Check: Can a Virtual Identity Change You for Good?

I didn't get a chance to sit down to read the magazine until this morning. Though I'm not surprised, the folks at Stanford University have thought a lot about many of the issues that I've wondered about in my Second Life. At Stanford, they've been able to do more than wonder - they have the time and resources to actually study these issues. The articles focus on the work being done by Assistant Professor of Communication and Director of the Virtual Human Interaction Lab, Jeremy Bailenson.

It's fascinating stuff. I want to know more, and, in fact, am in the process of trying to get in touch with some folks at Stanford to try to do just that. I'll let you know what I find.

In the meantime, my virtual friends, I refer you to three excellent real life articles on the topics of virtual realities and avatars:

Me and My Avatar

Seeing is Believing

Virtual Lessons, Real Productivity

And finally, I leave you to ponder a real life quote, from Zilpha Keatley Snyder, in her (children's) book, The Changeling:

The answers aren't important really ... What's important is - knowing all the questions.

No matter what life you are in, it's a lot about knowing what questions to ask and having the courage to ask them.